The Adventures of Huygens Sideways

Year 2 - Part I: "Not Much"

2009-10-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

There are some who say 2nd Life is a vacuous waste of time and a poor substitute for reality. I would agree with some of that. There are those who adore the friends they make, the house(s) they own, the good times they have and the money they make in SL and think it's the lion's meow. I would agree with some of those people too. Ever on the fence about this digital world, I decided that one year was not nearly enough time to pass judgment on it.

It's time to thaw old Huygens and Torchy out of digital hibernation. When the start page pulls up, I see what I had been expecting. 2nd Life has a new update. I would hope so since it's been a year since I logged on. I download and install it as fast as my machine will humanly allow. Love that tree image though. I think I might actually be getting somewhat possibly excited.

Starting back up again, I laugh at the next start up page displayed. It's not the strange ensemble of emo-looking characters having a picnic on a beautiful 2nd Life day, nor is it the new wide-screen aspect I will now have to deal with, but it's the deer in the background looking at these strange folk. It has this "What the hell did I just walk into here?" look in its stance.

I quickly type in my credentials, punch "Login" and send my sleeping avatar and his sidekick back to (2nd)life....

"Oh yeaaaaaah!"

But where the hell are we? No man's land? I don't remember signing out here the last time I was on. SL does have a slight unpredictability that I am fond of in this aspect. I do spot a shopping complex near here. Let's go have a gander, Torchy. I still have 16 lindens to spend somewhere. Maybe I can find someone there to fill me in on what's been happening here in the last 9 months.

The strip mall is pretty devoid of life too. The first thing we notice is the obligitory camping for cash spot. I'm almost tempted to check out the "Dictator Store" in the distance, but my need to chat is more impending. Time to bug out.

We take to the air and hit our travel guide up for somewhere to go. Torchy get nostalgic and suggests we hit a usual spot of ours, the SL Botanical Garden. If we want to get the skinny on the last nine months around here, I'm sure someone there will tell us.

Now while I'm sure SL has upped the graphics and textures of the place, the 64 Mb graphic card I'm working with on this adventure does not do them any justice. The trees look pasted onto the hill. I should try our next episode from my home computer and see the difference.

When did they put in the arboretum? Maybe I just never noticed it before.

I find my favorite water watching spot and sit down to watch some water. We're waiting for someone to show up. Finally, a couple does show up. I attempt to engage them but they brush me off. It must be the snooty time of the month around here. I tell them both to kiss off.

We check out the teleport map the snooty girl was checking out. I guess I never noticed it before. Most of the spots highlighted appear nature oriented. "Bliss Gardens" sounds kind of interesting. Maybe Torchy and I will do a bit of camping in the near future. But, for right now, we want to chat with someone. That "Hikari" site looks intriguing and tranquil. I bet there are no snooty people there.

There are no snooty people here. In fact, there's nobody here whatsoever. No small talk is to be had in Hikari. Visually, it's a pretty decent orgasm so we take a few minutes to explore.

There's not much here unless your library has a severe sutra deficiency. They have everything from the Kalama Sutra to the Metta Sutra. All with a price tag, of course. How Zen of you guys.

But where to? What possible location might have a bunch of overly friendly people very willing to chat? I know! A nude beach. Torchy and I don our birthday suits and take off for "Laguna Nude Beach".

"Oh yeaaaaaah!"

It's nice to be around people again. We have about a 2-1 ratio of nudity here. Not bad. I suppose we should mingle a little. Let's see if we can find us a scantily clad, buxom young lady that's into torches.

After rambling around a little, we head toward the water and find a young lady, SiNNa Mint, basking in the sun in what her god gave her. Torchy and I settle down on the towel beside her and strike up a local chat.

Me: "Sun's nice, eh?"
SiNNa: "Mmmmhmm...careful your gonna burn yourself."
At this point, I think she's referring to me rolling around on a towel with a lit torch.
Me: "It's OK, baby. I'm fireproof."
She seemed genuinely unimpressed and did not say anything. Maybe I was laying it on a little thick.
Me: "Sooo...What's been going on around here in the last nine months?
SiNNa: "Not much."
She's a regular wellspring of information. Torchy says maybe if I pay her a compliment she'll open up a little. It's worth a try.
Me: "Nice ass by the way. Did you make it yourself?"
She got up and left. I guess "not much" is better than nothing.

We're striking out left and right, Torchy. I guess SiNNa was right. Nothing has changed really.

We wander aimlessly. We take a shower. We try and rap with a couple more blokes. Nothing doing. I'm starting to realize why I took 9 months off.

Maybe we should weird it up a little ourselves, Torchy. I've seen some interestingly odd avatars around here. Let's change our appearance a little.

First, I'll pull out my most metro sexual outfit. A iridescent pink tank top, some tight purple leather pants, and a porcupine on my shoulder is a good start. I don't think I'm quite odd enough though.

Maybe a Darth Vader helmet and a peg leg will help. Yeah. That's looking about right. It needs something else though. Hmmmmm....

There! That does it. It just needed some elbow length, black nylon gloves. Perfect. Who wouldn't want to talk to this guy?

Incidentally, I like how the poor rendering of the peg leg still shows a chunk of my foot. Now that's classy. I wonder where we should take this new guise of ours, Torchy? Let's check the guide.

Speaking of meaningless, why not check out some fine dining and food accessories? "Kitchen Korner Food" looks promising. I bet they have plenty of things I have to imagine how they taste. People are also more prone to conversation on a full stomach too.

If there's one thing I know for certain about 2nd Life, it's that red carpet is the most popular. This place is pretty spiff. I decide to lose the Darth Vader helmet. It was getting stuffy and I couldn't see that well.

There's something disturbing about the shopping cart with the two unattended babies in it. I'm hopping SL has some laws concerning neglectful parents. Perhaps they belong to the gentlemen eating next to the "Animated Eating!" sign.

I knelt down at his table and attempt to engage the animated eater. I notice his title indicates he's an employee here. Either he's slacking big time or he's paid to pretend to eat. I can't decide which would be worse.

I ask him if the sushi here is good. He declines to acknowledge Torchy and I. Hmm. This guy is rude as hell or really into his work. Or, perhaps, I've bugged him on his lunch break. It would not be the first time we've busted in on some one's sanctuary.

I ask him if he likes fish sticks. Still nothing. Occasionally he looks up and it almost seems like he might say something but doesn't. Maybe he's not allowed to talk to anyone, like a royal palace guard or something. I tell him I'm going to call child services for neglecting his kids in the shopping cart. He looks up again and gives me a good 10 second stare, but after that, he goes right back to eating. Well, Torchy. Let's leave this deadbeat dad/slacker employee to his sushi.

We decide to check out the patio area with its lovely view and lone occupant, a violinist named Thundr Tabla. He's in the middle of belting out some jamming Mozart when I walked up to him. I accessed my gestures, enabled "Clapping" and told him that the music was pretty.

I figured no response was coming judging from the last "employee". But once I was done clapping, he stopped and took a bow. It was tempting to think he was real and not some automobotic-a-tron guy. So what to do?

I had an idea. As soon as he started back up I activated my "Boo" gesture and let him have it. He didn't acknowledge that one, and I kind of felt like a dick afterward even though I knew he probably wasn't sentient. Time to move on.

We head to the kitchen and find a bizarre looking avatar shopping for fridges. His name is Keesar Cushing and I wonder if he's any relation to Peter. I look closer and find out he's not all that bizarre but just really into the Pittsburgh Steelers. He also turns out to be the friendliest person I met so far in this episode.

Me: "What up?"
Keesar: "Not much, just shopping around, you?"

Me: "Oh, just visiting 2nd Life again. It's been about 9 months."
Keesar: "Cool. Welcome back."
Me: "Thanks."
Keesar: "You shopping too?"
Me: "Me? No. I took a vow of poverty. I kind of wander all over and chronicle it into my blog."

Keesar: "Sounds like fun. There is a lot to explore in SL, that's for sure."
Me: "Word."
Me: "Oh, by the way, you'll be featured in the next adventure as the one non-snooty person I had an interaction with."
Keesar: "That's funny. Yeah there are a lot of people here into their own thing and not much else."
Me: "You mean "assholes"."
Keesar: "Ha ha. Yeah."
Me: "Good luck with the shopping, Keesar, and thanks for chatting."
Keesar: "My pleasure. Good luck with the adventures."

We parted ways and I felt better after finding a friendly soul. It was nice finding Keesar. I was on the verge of washing my hands of this whole 2nd Life. At least there are still some nice, weird people still out there, so I guess not much has changed.

Somehow I end up in the liquor section. I must have a sixth sense about such things.

Ahhhh....enjoying one of my free drinks from my bag while perched on an overpriced keg you can't even drink from. I love the irony of this place sometimes...

...

Part XXXIII: 33

2008-12-31T12:25:00.000-08:00

I've been chronicling 2nd Life for exactly one year now. Or as I like to call it, my cyber-walkabout. I've tapered off in the last few months due to being preoccupied in the real world. It turns out I'm going to have 33 adventures. I didn't plan it that way but I thought it was an interesting coincidence that I'm also 33 years-old. Maybe it's not interesting.

This might be Huygens and Torchy's last adventure. I'm not sure yet. I've had a blast touring simulated places people have created to escape their real ones. We've cheesed off a lot of people, had many interesting quests, participated in carnal acts of want, had many the wee drop and seen skies so deliciously digitally rendered that it made our eyelids heavy. We've even hung out with fellow bloggers. Keen!

Thank you, to all the readers who have left their comments and observations. I have gone back through the posts and discovered a lot more people left comments on some of my adventures than I thought. I don't know how, but some people from the Star Trek role site I was sneaking around in found this blog and lovingly invited me back. Most people I have met, and not ticked off, in 2nd Life have been really nice and accommodating to my split personality.

We'll see what the future holds for old H & T. With so much to do in real life and so little time, we might have to break our adventures up into seasons and not a year-long event. Huygens data profile will always be out there for me to access. And as long as 2nd Life allows deadbeats like me free access to their sim, then I doubt this will be the end of our heroes...

Fresh off the Pink Floyd boat, I log back in only to find the show over and the crowd has dispersed. I take to the stage, but the instruments are locked down tight. I wave a thank you to a non existent crowd and decide to hitch a ride on a laser beam that says it will take me to a Monty Python cinema.

At first it looks pretty plush and cool. Then, I start to notice something strange about the room.

It's hard to describe, but imagine you were a 3D person walking around inside a 2D painting. The closer I walk to things, the larger they get. Everything is huge. There are seats suited for people my size floating in, what I think is, the middle of room. No Monty Python is playing at the moment.

We decide to take a seat and enjoy the solitude for a sec. Due to the poor digital rendering, it appears like Torchy is impaling me. Maybe we're just that close anymore.

We get bored right on schedule and hightail it out of the cinema.

And, we're back at the original access point to the Pink Floyd, Python and etc. places. What the hell. We'll try checking out the 3D panorama site next. I'm in the mood to see some rugged beauty.

Again, it's like walking around in a photograph. It's disorienting and majestic. It's like having your own holodeck. I play around with a few other scenic landscapes. One was a restaurant. Possibly at the end of the universe.

Time to move on.

What to do? I know it might sound boring for a last adventure, but Torchy and I have a hankering to just mellow out in some quaint Scottish pub somewhere. Maybe chat with a local or two and have a pint or three.

We dial up our guide and come up with a real McKoy. What could be more Scottish than The Scottish Scotland. With that much redundancy in the name, you know it's got to be pretty damn Scottish. Plus, from the description, it's home to the Nicky Tams Pub. Sounds like our kind of place. We're off!

Huh. The Scottish Scotland looks a little more like Star Fleet than Scotland to me. Not that I mind. I like both places. We should explore and find that pub.

Found it! The place looks huge. Not many people here either. I'm hoping the bar is self serve.

We slide up to the bar. There is a bartender. He's slumped over in a restive state. Interestingly, his last name is Linden. I wonder if he's any relation to the creator of 2nd Life. I doubt it.

There are also two cardboard cutout bartenders. One looks like a drunk Leslie Nielson pouring two bottles and one looks like a young and bored G. W. Bush. For some reason, when I sit down at the bar, I assume the same stance as the bored Bush.

I know I'm probably not getting any drinks out of the slumped over Mr. Linden, so I tried the indifferent looking W. The cardboard facsimile dispensed me something called a Blue Orchid Drink.

I'm used to liquor talking to me in 2nd Life and this one didn't disappoint. The Blue Orchid Drink whispers to me, "MMm MMM good!"

Who am I to argue with alcohol. I start chugging away at the blue drink...

...with interesting results. Apparently, this drink kicks you in the ass because my ass was soon falling of my chair. Maybe one should not chug the Blue Orchid Drink.

Now I had a problem. I was thoroughly trashed and had no one to talk to. We wandered over to the enormous fireplace to regroup. Looking at our mini map, Torchy spotted some people behind the building. He suggested we check them out. This drunk torch speaks wisdom. Sure. We'll go meet these fine Scottish lads and have a wee chat.

We stumble out of Nicky Tams Pub and curse G. W. and his magic blue drink. I take to the air and fly behind the bar to see what those people are up to. Wow. There's a castle attached to this place.

It turns out the people are hanging out in the alley behind the bar. It's a rather shabby looking place complete with mismatched furniture, weeds growing through the pavement and old metal garbage cans with fires in them.

The slum's residents are having your typical 2nd Life conversation. By that I mean it makes no sense to me and seems pretty superficial. We might as well go say hi, Torchy.

I introduce myself. They return the salutation. The one called Chuck attempts to razz Torchy. He says, "The Olympics were over weeks ago, Huygens." I introduce Torchy and tell Chuck that he's actually not that athletic of a torch and he makes me carry him everywhere. Chuck and his mate seem genuinely confused about Torchy's sentience, so I don't pursue the subject.

I make a stupid drunk mistake and ask, "And how are you two fine Irish folks doing today?" I guess for a moment I thought I was in the Irish Ireland and not the Scottish Scotland.

Goldie says "eh, no Irish" and Chuck tells me "wrong planet lol". I tell them, "Sorry, I meant Scottish."

I take a seat, pull out my magic blue drink and begin some awkward drunk talk. I tell Goldie that it's a lovely day to slum it and asked if she thought so. She seemed perplexed by my question and stated, "Huh?"

I clarified by saying, "I meant the location. It's a bit rundown, wouldn't you say."

All of a sudden, she got snippy. She says "No, this is our place. We love it."

I had no intention to offend anyone, yet, so I tried to explain by saying, "Hey, I'm not dissing it. But it's not exactly the Ritz though."

She replied, "Whatever."

Whew, that was a close one. We don't want to get kicked out of here...yet.

I asked if anybody wanted a drink. The hot goth girl, named Von, was talking to Chuck about a recent bender she went on, so I thought it was the appropriate time to ask.

I caught a part of their conversation where Von said something about two glasses of wine and she was anybody's. I quickly went for my inventory and passed her a glass of Merlot. She accepted it with no reciprocation. What the hell? She lies.

Then she said she was actually more of a champagne chick herself. All right, I thought. I reached into my bag and pulled out a glass of the bubbly and offered it up. Again, she took it with no reciprocation. What a tease. Stupid lying goth elf chick.

I was getting bummed, but it was nothing a magic blue drink couldn't help.

I started chugging on the endless glass of Blue Orchid. Chuck told me to take it easy on the intense ingestion.

His words were not heeded. Again, I fell on my ass in a drunk stupor. It was met with much laughter.

I scrambled back up on my perch and proclaimed with sincerity, "I love you guysss!" And it was met with more laughter. One of them said that they were spoken for and the others returned to their private meaningless chat. I must be getting on their nerves.

Nothing to do now but get louder. I yelled, "Long Live Scotland!"

Chuck said, "You thought it was Ireland before."

I hazily replied, "Oh yeah? (hic) Sorry."

Chuck really busted a gut with my reply. Goldie expressed her dismay at me with a "geez". I thought things couldn't get any better.

That's when I got booted. Why? I'll never be sure. I thought they were being properly entertained by us, but maybe they really wanted to get back to that meaningless 2nd Life chat and were tired of the interruptions. We'll never know.

I'm really happy about it, though. We've been kicked out of so many 2nd Life venues that I've lost count. It wouldn't have been a proper year-end adventure without getting kicked out of somewhere. Right, Torchy?

He says indubitably.

Happy Holidays to you and yours from all of us in 2nd Life.

I'm sure there's still an adventure or two in our bag of tricks. Maybe we'll see you again next year sometime.

Until then, stay safe and be kind to strange avatars. They just might entertain the hell out of you.

...

Part XXXII: Bright Side Of The Moon

2008-11-11T08:23:00.000-08:00

We stepped out of Springfield Elementary's bathroom feeling slightly used and sticky. What now?

Torchy turns my attention to a small viewing area off to the side of this Springfield sim.

Why, it's a cozy little theater where you can watch Itchy & Scratchy cartoons! How lovely.

We settled down and watched one of our favorites.

But, I can only take so much of myself watching my other self watching something. We decide to leave Springfield and the pervs that dwell in the school bathroom.

On my mini map I notice a bunch of people hanging out northeast of this location. Torchy and I don't like crowds that much, unless we're aggravating them somehow, but we decide to fly on over to see what all the hubbub is about.

When we get to the location, we don't find anybody. How odd. It's also odd that we've seemed to have entered Pink Floyd County. Then I start looking around and notice icons placed around that say "Teleport to the Pink Floyd Stage". Ah ha. That's where all the people must be.

Sometimes when you have a popular site, It's cool to place it a mile above or below the ground. I'd wager this one is above. The pigs can fly better up there. But, there's only one way to find out. It's hard to choose what icon to use, but I think I'll go with the pool of water. And away we go....

Where the hell am I?

Did we teleport to the wrong place? I hear Pink Floyd playing, so I don't think so. Maybe we should turn around.

Oh. There they are. Wow. This place is nuts. I love it.

There's quite a large crowd rocking out. They even have a 3D construct of Pink Floyd, circa 1973. The saxaphonist is bellowing away as I navigate the crowd to find a nice spot to watch the lasers. Oh, did I mention they had lasers too? They do. Even some coming out of the pig's eyes.

Aside from the dance floor, there are several circles of Indian pillows for guests to lounge on. I head over to one near Jupiter and a couple making out. To my pleasure, I find a hookah planted in the middle of the circle. I guess we'll call this home for a little while, Torchy.

Ahhh, life is fine. As I tap the hookah for another hit, the band breaks into On the Run.

Just for giggles, I yell over to the couple making out, "Hey you wankers! Get a bloody room!" To which the girl replies, "Hey! Fuck Off!"

I reached for the hookah again.

Ahhh, life is fine....

...

Part XXXI: Huygens Pees Like A Girl

2008-10-25T21:30:00.000-07:00

During our last adventure, Torchy and I paused to gaze at the moon. I wondered offhandedly if it was a place to visit here in 2nd Life. After a quick search of my travel guide I concluded it was not, unfortunately. But, there was a site created by NASA to showcase their eventual return to the moon. We decided to head on over to see how things were going, although I'm sure they've made more progress in this life than the real one.

No sooner than we get there, Torchy spots a cousin of his and introduces me. After some 3rd degree burns, we say our goodbyes to the rocket scientist and move on.

The seat is a bit uncomfortable, but the view is amazing.

We attempt to learn something in one of the Mars simulation rooms without much luck. NASA should really get on the ball in real life and leave 2nd Life space to the sci-fi role play sites. Although with the economy the way it is, I bet lindens(2nd Life's currency) are all the government is willing to give NASA at the moment.

Say, I wonder how 2nd Life's economy is doing right now with real life in a financial mess. I bet I could go to the main website and find out, but the more and more I dwell in this simulated world, the more I love staying on the outer rim of society. Torchy and I are loners at heart and care not for the popular going-ons of this sim-construct.

I get an idea to type in my hometown, Springfield, into my guide to see if it has any representation here. Not a bit as it turns out, but you can probably guess what did come up. That's right, the Simpson's home town. Since it's the only Springfield we've got, we might as well go and say hi to Moe.

Oh man, this is terrible. The "Springfield" is remarkably strange. It's not laid out the same, which was to be expected. But instead of three dimensional characters, Moe and Barney are laughable cardboard cut-outs. They have a "touch me for a private chat" option. I give Barney a try. He starts spouting out Irish and other bizarre proverbs. So far, I'm not feeling Simpson here. Love the Duff Man poster, though.

Not liking what they did to Barney one bit, I activate the 2D Moe to see what's up. He spouts the same exact nonsense. Man, oh man, am I teed off. We gotta ditch this joint.

I find Homer and Marge's house and can say I'm not so impressed by the cardboard cutout background. I can understand if you can't afford the extra land or have the time to create the rest of the town, but could you at least make sure the panels match up?

We notice a slight proportion problem with the garage. Unfortunately, they didn't program the house to be gotten into.

Springfield Elementary is located right behind the Simpson's home. Why does Bart take a bus then? Anyway, there's a 2D Skinner waiting to greet me. By now it's no surprise that he spits out the same garbage Moe and Barney did.

But unlike the Simpson's house, we're able to enter this building. Everything is a bit scaled down, though. The classroom only has three desks. Cheeeeap.

We head into the bathroom. I'm surprised to find sexual oriented action balls around the toilet. Apparently this programmer was lazy and a perv.

You've got your standard blowjob and doggy style icons around one john, but it's the other one that has me fascinated. It simply says "Girl Pee!" Why the exclamation mark? Was the programmer that excited about it? I've got to try that one first.

Wow. I never knew girls arched their backs and gripped the bowl thusly when they peed. You learn something new everyday.

I had to find out how the female persuasion tackles a urinal as well. Turns out, it's about the same. Go figure.

On to the last toilet, I assume the felacio position. Some poor guy somewhere is missing out. It kind of looks like a real bear hug blowjob to me.

The bowl enjoys some of my doggy style. It looks like I'm about to hurl.

Who knew I'd find a wonderful spot of smut in a poorly fabricated Simpsons site? But, with 2nd Life, I should have figured.

...

Part XXX: These Night Folk, A Skittish And Paranoid Lot

2008-09-19T13:26:00.000-07:00

Wake up, sweet Huygens. You've slept the day away.

Funny story. I was taking a short adventure earlier and testing SL on my home computer. I recently "acquired" some more memory for it. It was the reason I rarely had quests at home. The laptop could run it, but not well. Herky-jerky it was. Another reason involves discovering my new work CPU came loaded with an "impressive" 8 MB graphics card. I should probably mention SL requires at least 64 MB.

So there I was, logged on at home, with a rare spare moment in the afternoon. Huygens was still hanging around the area that's his default starting point. I have yet to change it and I always come back here if I die or get booted out of some place. I grabbed my bike out of my pocket and went for a spin on the docks. I came across a midget altering her appearance. I ran her over. I decided to see if I could fly my bike like E.T. but it didn't work. It looked like I was flying with a bike pasted to my torso. Kind of like a bike cape.

I fell from the sky onto the roof of a tiny one-room cottage. It had an open ceiling so I rode, actually dropped, my bike into it. I landed on the floor next to some guy in jams. I felt kind of weird just dropping through his roof like that so I said, "Sorry to drop in like that."

He said, "No problem." Then, we shared an awkward moment of silence. I didn't know what else to say so I mumbled something like, "Nice place." He said, "Thanks. I just rented it today." I said "That's cool. How much did it cost?" He said, "$100." I looked around the cramped cubical and told him, "Wow, man. You got hosed."

Then he exclaimed, "Phone! Sorry gotta go!" I hoped it was the phone and not my insulting his pricey cottage that caused him to leave. Anyway, he didn't say I had to leave and since the only thing in the tiny place was a king-sized bed, I thought I'd take a nap. I opted for the "sleep" icon and not the "dream out loud" one. Frankly, I don't want to know what Huygens dreams about. Or maybe I do.

After the wifey and baby fell asleep in real life, I jumped back on Second Life. I was still snoozing undisturbed and night was upon us. This will be the first time I've had an adventure at night in real life. I wonder if Second Life nightlife is any different than the daylife? I guess we'll see. It can't be any crazier.

I stumbled out of the hut to get my bearings. There was no sign of the guy renting the place. I guess that was a long-ass phone call he had.

I checked my map and saw that there was someone about a mile due west. Torchy and I took to the air and headed that direction to see if we could strike up a chat.

When we got to their land the forcefields were up. Apparently they did not want to be disturbed this late. I yelled, "Let me in!" No response was forthcoming. I tried again and again but got nothing.

What else was there to do but drop a few F-bombs on them. That'll teach that rude-ass.

So, we flew on.

I finally caught up with a couple of folks at an Indian outdoor bar. They appeared to be rapping up their conversation and were at the hugging stage. I said hello to no one in particular. They didn't acknowledge.

The woman said her goodbyes to the dude and teleported away, leaving her BF to prop up the bar. I went up and began to engage him in a little night chat. I said, "Wut up?" He replied, "Not much."

He asked me how I was doing. I said truthfully, "Pretty good." Then all of a sudden he exclaims, "Oh shit...gotta go! Sorry to run off on you. Enjoy!" And then he beamed out. I have no idea what his emergency pertained to, but I'm going to take Mr. Jacobus literally. Maybe he accidentally took a crap in his shorts and had to run to the bathroom to clean up. What was I supposed to "enjoy" here all by myself anyway? He forgot to tell me that before he took a duke and bolted.

So, we took to the air again in search of midnight conversation. We passed a house with a bad-ass light show on the roof.

Touching down a few clicks to the north, we find a lonely lass, aptly titled Lonely Yak, hanging out on her porch. Torchy's did a lovely job illuminating the night air so I strolled on up to the porch to engage this lonely woman.

We walk up the porch only to find her teleported away as soon as we get there. What the hell is up with that? Do we look suspicious or something? These night folk seem to be a skittish and paranoid lot, Torchy.

We soar through the digital night. There's plenty of communist looking Barack posters to look at. "I'm comrade Obama, and I approved the state making these posters!"

We stop to gaze longingly at the moon. If only it was a place to go and not just a 2D render in the night sky. I should check my guide, though. It might actually be a place I could visit.

We enjoy an unintentional grid like pattern in the distance that signifies 2nd Life's inability to raster the far-off landscape.

Ah ha! Found someone! I find a Normus Nootan, hovering above large pictures of squirrels and architecture, not doing much. I started to chat him up with, "Hey there, Normus! Nice night for a fly, eh?"

Dude took off like a chinchilla out of hell. The chase was on. In my best David Gilmour voice I yelled, "Why are you running away!?"

He almost lost me a couple of times until finally he thought he could loose me on the ocean floor. My radar doesn't lie and we found him. I walked up and said, "Yo! What's the dealio? I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to talk."

Then, he took the coward's way out. He logged off without a word and left me high and dry in this soggy place. What an asshole. What's wrong with these people, Torchy!?

There was nothing left to do but take off and search some more. After a few minutes of travel, we found someone else. We touched down in Pan's Labyrinth Piano and Blues Bar to find a gent named LycraBoy Dawner working the strip poll. Torchy suggested we try once more to converse with someone before our adventure was over. It might as well be this guy.

Easy, Huygens. Let's not scare this one off. I greeted him with a casual, "How's it going?" He replied with an equally casual, "Not bad." So far so good. He hasn't wigged out or taken off yet.

He remarked, "That's some flashlight." This irked Torchy quite a bit, but I tried to calm him down by introducing him. I said, "His name is Torchy."

Dawner said, "Cute name." This placated Torchy a little and I said, "He thinks so." I switched gears and told him he was the first person I've met tonight that didn't run away or log off as soon as I approached him. He laughed and said, "Oh well, nothing shocks me."

I said "That's cool. Can I rap with you then." He said sure and asked me what I wanted to know. I asked him, "Is this a gay bar?"

He said, "I don't think so. Why?" I replied, "I dunno. This place has a Liberace kind of vibe going and you're a guy in a tight white shirt working a stripper's poll."

He said, "Yes, it does appear that way (grin)." He was either being vague or coming on to me. Torchy thought the latter which boosted my ego a little. Dawner then asked, "And what are you looking for?"

I told him about my self-prescribed occupation of nomadic adventurer and that I like to document said adventures. He remarked, "Ahh. That sound rather interesting." I told him most of the time it was and asked him if it would be okay if he was included in my next story.

He replied, "Sure, but I don't know what you're going to write about me." I said, "Oh, basically that I just met this dude late at night practicing his stripper moves in a gay bar and he totally hit on me and wanted to make sweet sweet love all night long."

And apparently, I shocked he who could not be shocked. With my last sentence he teleported out with a quickness and without another word. Maybe he wasn't ready to come out yet. Sorry, Dawner. I didn't even get to tell him I was just joking.

But at the time, I was super pissed. I had yet one more person blink out on me and that was the last straw. What else was there to do but yell...

"Asshole!"

...

Part XXIX: So Long. Thanks For All The Paid Adventures

2008-08-29T11:14:00.000-07:00

This month will unfortunately have only one entry. Sorry, August.

But we can't blame poor old Huygen's and Torchy. No. The fault is my own. It's a sad fact that 90% of our adventures took place during the work day. It's slightly comforting that about 30% of that time did occur during my lunch hour.

It's true that I worked in a busy atmosphere but there were those few days out of the month that not much would be going on. Should I take that can of compressed air to my CPU that's in dire need of dusting? A pox on that. I would log on SL, take the roll of Huygens, and be off on some mystical adventure.

The sad news is that this jump point into my second life is closed. I've changed jobs, and so far I've been out of my new office most of the month on service calls and desperately trying to learn the biz. It's new and refreshing and encompassing most of my attention at the moment.

The good news is that I had one more adventure before I left my old work. Oh yes, it was on paid time.

When I logged in I had no idea what to do. Torchy was no help. Then for some reason, I had the urge to visit the desert. Somewhere desolate and beautiful. I did my usual quick check with my guide. I got a lot of junk to filter through. I got all the way to the bottom without scoring anything fitting to what I was wanting. I really hate having to come up with a plan B.

Then, at the bottom, I came across one that was selling desert looking land. It had 0 traffic. I've never looked into the meaning of the traffic indicator. Does that mean not one person has visited that zone or is it a monthly average? I'm guessing the latter, but let me check real quick......

.....okay I'm back. I checked with the SL website and discovered that it means.....

Linden initially introduced "traffic" or "dwell" as a way to reward residents who create popular locations.

Since 2006

In 2006 traffic was changed to be a minute an avatar spends in a parcel (Ref: [1])
The traffic of all avatars count, regardless of their membership status or if a resident or bot
Mainland sims limited to 40 avatars generally can't have traffic over 57,600, while island estates with 100 avatar limits usually won't be over 144000, but those limits can be exceeded by avatars relogging back into a sim
Traffic also determines which "Popular Places" are selected each night. You can see these by clicking on the Find button and selecting the "Popular Places" tab. They also appear on the Map as a "thumbs up" icon. (Note: as of viewer version 1.20, "Popular Places" is no longer included in the search system.)

Up to 2006

Initially, Dwell was a fixed value of points for each Re sident assigned by calculating the proportion of their SL day spent at each location in the world on a daily basis. Previously, a Resident needed to spend at least 5 minutes in one full chunk to give a parcel at least one traffic point.
Linden Labs offered a $US reward to the 2% of landowners who receive the most dwell - in proportion to the dwell their properties received. In August of 2004, US$2,308 was distributed to 36 landowners. This was essentially seed funding in the earlier days of SL when even a popular build could still become economically unviable due to very low population numbers.
In mid-2006, stipends based on dwell were removed as population growth provided an audience sufficient enough to support a more c on ve ntional economy in Second Life.

And I still don't know what it really means.

Anyway, we went to the land sale. We did a little flying to soak up the place.

We hid inside a waterfall.

I was really starting to enjoy myself when I noticed someone else had beamed in. I thought it a little odd that this place got so popular all of a sudden. But we shouldn't be rude. Torchy suggested we introduce ourselves.

I decided to approach them in normal Huygens fashion. I flew above them...

...and dropped from the sky and splatted on the ground in front of them.

I got up, dusted the sand out of Torchy and that's when the bulky chunk of a hunk asks me, "Do you want to buy some land?" I felt like playing coy and responded, "who me?"

He sounded mad, "Yes you. Who else?! Do you want to want to buy land or not?" I looked in my wallet and asked, "Can I get some for $16?"

And then I was booted. I woke up in our starting point, which I have yet to change. Besides, maybe it's fitting I visit this place on this adventure. I don't think I've been back here since I died tragically as Admiral Earth.

I was irked as well. Stupid land-sale-guy. I didn't know what else to do so I just said "dick" even though I was pretty sure he was out of earshot by now.

A few seconds later, some guy named Bri Nabob standing close by, but out of sight, says "vagina" back to me. I felt bad right away. I didn't realize anyone was so close. But then, I thought it was kind of funny. I told Nabob, "I wasn't talking to you."

He replied, "And I wasn't talking to you." I was starting to like this guy so I said, "Okay then."

I went around the pillar to check out Mr. Nabob. I found him gazing out to sea just in time to hear him say "vagina" again. So, I offered a new element to the conversation and said, "Testicle."

He didn't seem to notice my shift in anatomy and simply said, "I just say vagina sometimes." I thought maybe his Tourette's carried over into his 2nd Life or something. Poor guy. I tried to make him feel better and said, "Me too, how weird."

Then he got nit-picky on me and said, "No, you said cock, that sounds completely different." So, I got all nit-picky on him back and said, "No, I said "dick"."

Then he said, "Oh, that's much more similar." I think he was being smarmy, but I was unsure how to interpret his comment.

So, we went back to it. He said "vagina" and I said "vagina". I think we were getting along but I wasn't 100% on that yet. Plus my time was growing short. I could vagina this guy all day but things needed tended to in real life.

I decided to bid him farewell and said, "I'll vagina you later then." And he replied, "Take vagina care." I thanked him by saying, "Vagina you" and he reciprocated with, "You're vagina".

So long Bri Nabob. Try not to get slapped too much in your adventures to come. People might not know how to take your vagina problem.

And we're out. As Torchy and I fly away, we're filled with a sense of optimism and hope for our future adventures. They may not take place from the same CPU in real life but as long as there's a 2nd Life out there, a graphics card that will run it and more fun folk like Mr. Nabob around, we can guarantee more adventures will be had. Oh yes.

...

Part XXVIII: Huygens, The Asshole Robot

2008-07-30T12:24:00.000-07:00

Taking a rest from the wonders of 2nd Life, Torchy and I decide to check out a featured place on SL's website. We were perusing the Arts & Culture section and came across The Robot Museum. It sounded like a shiny place to rest up before checking out that first "seven wonder" on our list that we skipped over.

We teleport over to the museum and notice their generous use of the color red. Someone must have gotten a good deal on primary colors. No one was around when we beamed in so I decided to change clothes. Hopefully shame is not programmed into these robots and they won't mind me stripping for a second. These shorts were starting to get funky.

After a righteous change of clothing, we strolled on in and started taking in the metallic culture. Robots from lots of Sci-Fi lore were on display. I checked out Star Wars, Lost in Space, Terminator and an entire wing devoted to Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. The place was pretty cool with lots of interactive material to be accessed, which I did not. I'm a mover, not a shaker.

We were happily minding our own business when this half-naked avatar, by the name of Chirayu Denimore, came running into the joint yelling, "Are there any robots here!?!?"

I thought this was a rather strange question to yell in a robot museum. Hell, there was a robot at the beam in point to greet you. What drug was this guy on? Maybe the one that doesn't allow him to see robots.

So he runs up to me and asks, "Is there any robots here?" His grammar aside, I was unsure how to answer him at first. Surely he had to know where he was at. I simply replied, "Yup."

Then he asked, "Could you show me?"

OK, Mr. Denimore was starting to boggle me. Was he just another weirdo, like me, out asking people weird things? Or, was he a crazy person? That was apparently Torchy's cue to chime in. He suggested we have fun with this bloke.

Even though it's gotten me into trouble before, I'm going to take Torchy's advice. I tell Denimore, "You're looking at him."

He responds by asking, "You're a robot?"

I say, "Yup."

He raises a valid point. "You look like a human."

I tell him, "I'm advanced. I'm an A-HOL 1138 model. Why else would I be carrying around a sentient torch?"

He asked, "Are you jerking me?"

I responded, "No, that would require an LUV L769 model....MUST KILL ALL HUMAN! *buzz**click*...."

"Oh, sorry about that," I say. "Program malfunction."

He stormed away and said, "Look, dude. I need to find a robot and I don't need clowns like you getting in my way."

I said, "That's robot clown to you."

This was the most bizarre fun we've had in a while so we followed Mr. Denimore to delve further into his mystery. I caught up with him eying Robby the Robot up and down. I asked him, "What do you need a robot for, my fleshy friend."

He says, "For school. I need to find a robot avatar."

This was the breakthrough that I needed. It cleared up a lot of questions. He was simply shopping for a costume. What his "project" for school was, I could only wonder. That didn't interest me much.

I asked, "Do you possess any legal forms of tender?" He said, "No."

"Then my pathways are suggesting the logical course of action would be going to the Free Mall," I advised him.

He said he had tried and found all kinds except a robot. Apparently a robot suit is a little different and hard to come by. I said, "Wow. I never knew. But then again I don't bother with organics and their troubles that much."

He said, "Whatever, freak," and took to the skies. I thought he had given up and transported to other places. I noticed a couple more people had beamed into the site. I thought I would go up and say "hi" to them before I took off.

The two were named Paulski and Deidre. I walked up and they said "hi". I said "hi" back. They asked me how the museum was and I told them it was pretty cool. Deidre was telling me this was her first time to the place when, out of the blue, Denimore plops from the sky into the middle of our conversation. Apparently he had not left for good.

He starts asking the two if they knew where to find a robot. They seemed as confused as I did when Old Shirtless posed me the same question. I told them, "He's crazy. Don't listen to him. He tried to sell me things and thought I was a robot."

Denimore became angry and said, "What? YOU said you were a robot." I told Paulski and Deidre, "See what I mean. He's going to try and sell you ad space on his porn site next."

Paulski says, "I don't want to buy anything, thank you," and Deidre agreed. Mr. Denimore was getting very frustrated and said, "I'm not selling anything! Don't listen to this clown!" And then, all of a sudden, Denimore starts doing a muscle flexing gesture in my direction. The very same one I pulled on a crowd of campers when I was in the nude. I guess with no way to harm me or do anything about it, he felt it was the only thing he could do to vent his escalating anger with me.

Not one to back down from a gesture-off, I handed him a solid Boo! By now Paulski and Deitre had no idea what they had gotten themselves in the middle of. They did what any normal person would do. They slowly backed away.

At the point when Denimore was serving me the karate chop gesture, Deidre turns to Paulski and says, "Anyway - time to walk around. Nice meeting you, Paulski."

And while Denimore is being dealt my hula dance, Paulski turns to Deidre and says, "You too," and quickly walked away.

We were alone again and Denimore was giving me the evil eye so I said, "Way to scare those nice folks off, you large ugly bag of mostly water."

He replied, "Get lost!"

I said, "Harsh. Does that mean you don't want to go looking for robot costumes together?"

He asked, "Why did you tell them that stuff!?" To which I replied, "I told you I was an A-HOL, didn't I?"

He again commanded, "GET LOST!"

He started to beam away and, always enjoying the last word, I said, "But. I was here first."

And then he was gone. Wow. I never thought being a robot would be so much fun, Torchy. We must do it again sometime.

I hope Mr. Denimore does OK on his school project. If not, he can tell his teacher that some android asshole caused him to be late on it.

...

Part XXVII: The Seven Wonders Of 2nd Life, Parts 1 and 2

2008-07-25T12:41:00.000-07:00

PART ONE

We're bored. So bored, Torchy suggests I type in "boring" into the teleport guide to see what pops up. I get three hits. We check out D's Yacht Club Rentals first. Oh yeah. It's boring. I see no indication of why this site would pop up, though. The word "boring" is not in the description, only in the location.

We're still bored. So extremely bored, Torchy suggests we visit the first hit on list. It's a Christian dance club called "The Joint" of all things where apparently I can rock out with Jesus. I see they made the mistake of adding "Jesus isn't dead or boring!!" in their description. Now, ironically, they come up first when you search for boring. All right. Let's go!

We're even more bored. So terminally bored, Torchy suggests we actually go in the place. No. This is where I draw the line. There's not a single Jesus rocking out in there. That description lied. We can't rock out by ourselves. We need something better to do. Something not boring.

From time to time I peruse the internets in search of other 2nd Life blogs such as mine or things relating to 2nd Life that I might use as fuel for quests. I came across a techlearning bl o g called The Seven Wonders of Second Life. In it the writer, a one Existential Paine, lists his submissions for the seven most wondrous places to visit in 2nd Life.

The criteria in his own words: "The criteria is really quite simple (and, yes, subjective). The Seven Wonders of Second Life are the most creative and unique builds in SL that are well done and mind blowing. Not asking to much, eh? They don't have to be educational but let's keep it clean ;-)"

Coincidentally, this blog was published exactly one year ago. It's an omen, Torchy. We should go check out his submissions and see If we concur. We could also ask some of the locals if they agree with Existential's assessments. Sounds like a cure for the bottom-belly blues to me. Let's go!

#1 on his list, Greenie's Home Rezzable, I cannot find. Maybe I didn't look hard enough. There are direct links on the tech blog to the specified locations but I was leery of using them at first. Plus, the blog was a year old so I chalked it up to maybe the zone going under in the last year. Oh well. Maybe I'll try again later, but let's move on to the next.

#2 on the list is a place called The Pot Healer Adventure. Smitten with the name already, my imagination gave me visions of a benevolent wizard who wonders high and low dispensing enchanted marijuana from his magic satchel to all the country folk in need. I actually find this site in the guide. What are we waiting for? Let's go!

Man, this place has gone to pot. There's wreckage spilled out all over the harbor. Those sailors must have been dipping into the wizard's satchel pretty heavy. Not so impressed and awed yet, I decided to trudge up the hill to get a better view of the place. I hope there's less garbage.

OK. I'm getting mildly impressed. When I get to the top of the hill, a rugged beauty smacks me in the face and I start to get the picture of why this place was on the list. There are no people here, though. Being a "seven wonder" doesn't necessarily mean you'll get a lot of traffic through your land. Maybe they should install some camping for money spots. Better yet, maybe they shouldn't.

I'm suspicious of any tulip that's larger than myself. Each time I walk by one I expect it to try and snack on me. Luckily these flowers seem to be vegetarians. Does that mean they're cannibals? All in all, this area smells of a hobbit's wet dream. It's got adorable little domiciles, large flora and quaint little paths.

Time to see if we can get into that castle.

It was a bit tricky getting in here. I had to jump in the moat and find a secret ladder. What we see is your standard deserted Medieval market place complete with huts and furs for trade. I started to get a feeling like I was being followed and that's when I had noticed someone else had jumped into the site.

I took refuge in the castle gate house and prepared to volley many insults at the person trying to invade. Luckily for us, they weren't as diligent at trying to break into the place. They never did find the secret ladder, thus their castle siege was unsuccessful. Another victory for Huygens and Torchy!

Time to check out #3 on the list. It's a Harry Potter themed zone called The Wizard's Alley. Yay! More mirth and magic!

But again, I was having trouble locating the damn place in my guide. Not scoring a good average with my guide, I decided to use the direct links Existential provided in his blog.

This is what came up, though. Unless the wizards decided to take up surfing, I think the Wizard's Alley might not be around anymore. But not wanting to waste a perfectly good link, I decided to head on over to Oahu Hawaii, possibly formerly known as The Wizard's Alley. Maybe the locals can tell me where all the Gryffindors went to.

Well. I wouldn't put this place on the Wonders list but as far as tourist traps go, it's alright. Torchy wants to check out the two skyscrapers in the distance. Thankfully this zone allows you to fly, because it's just not interesting enough to take the time to walk there.

We coast on up to one of the apartment buildings to find a lone occupant dancing around her bedroom in her underwear. Her name is Amber Tauber and she seems unaware of my presence. I shout hello to her but she does not respond. I try again and state I would like to ask her a question. She dances a little more but then stops and heads for her living room.

By now I'm starting to feel the cold shoulder. I know she can hear me but chooses to ignore me. She heads out to her balcony on the other side of the building. I fly around only to see her take flight.

The chase is on.

We circle the buildings for a couple of times and then Amber finally stops and faces me and says, "What are you doing dude?" I feel bad already for scaring this pretty bird out of her cage so I try and play it cool. I say, "I did not mean to disturb you, milady. I was just wondering if you consider this place one of the Seven Wonders of Second Life?"

She replies, "Well I'm sure wondering right now." Laughing, I asked, "So, you don't have any idea where all the Slitherens went?" And she says, "Dude, you are messed up."

I say, "I swear I'm not most of the time. Sorry for disturbing you. Thanks for your time." She replied, "No problem. Good luck with whatever." And then she flew off.

We didn't learn much from Amber about the fate of Wizard's Alley so we decided to move on to #4 on the list: The S.S. Galaxy Boarding Gangway. A cruise ship? C'mon, you got to be kidding. How is a cheesy luxury liner going to compare with enchanted landscapes? I guess we're going to find out.

The thing is big, I'll give it that. So big that the whole thing can't rasterize on the screen. On the outside, it's not much to look at. It's just your average commercial vwessel and not looking very wondrous to me. But before we discount it, we should probably take a look inside.

OK, that's a little better. The place is pretty plush and decorated nicely. I kind of wish Herschel was around so I could borrow his tux.

We head to a lower level and come across a movie theater with someone in it. The screen is still so I am at a loss as to what she's doing in there. I decide to head on in and solve this minor mystery.

I take the seat across the aisle from her and say "Howdy." I see that her name is Scarlett Qi.

Looking at the unmoving screen and back to Scarlett, I ask, "What's playing today?" She responds with, "Hi. Right at the end of a movie." At first I am confused. The screen still looks unmoving to me, but then I realize that you probably have to activate the screen somehow or else it will look blank while everyone else is watching the movie. So I say, "Sorry. I didn't mean to disturb."

I sat there for a second not knowing what to do. I wondered what movie she was watching but wanted to limit my inquiries so as to not piss her off. I took a gamble and said, "Someone told me this was one of the Seven Wonders of 2nd Life. Do you think that's true?"

She simply replied, "Yes."

I said, "Thanks. Sorry to disturb you again. Enjoy the movie." And then I walked out. It would seem, from Scarlett's opinion, that this should indeed be on the list of wonders. Go figure.

On my way out, I decided to see what's playing. Rocky Horror, Harry Potter and Indy for the younger crowd and Dracula, Wizard of Oz and Casablanca for the older. I make up my mind that Scarlett was watching The Wizard of Oz. I don't know why.

Reflecting on it, Scarlett is a pretty dedicated SIM. Think about it. Say you want to watch Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix. Most likely you would go to your DVD rack, or rent it, put it in the player and watch it. Now "Scarlett", she logs on to SL to become avatar Scarlett Qi, travels to this luxury cruise ship only to sit down in a simulated movie theater and watch it on her computer as someone else watching it somewhere else. I'm still amazed how many people actually live the 2nd Life.

I'm just not that dedicated...

...

PART 2

And we're back. And on to #5. A western flavored Sim, called Tomestone. The description says it can't tell me anything about the place because that access is restricted. Another mystery. Excellent. But I do think I detect the smell of a role-play site.

My suspicions, confirmed. Everybody is in western garb and talking the ye olden talk. I think people carried lanterns and not torches in the 1800s so I keep my head low as I pass through the reception area.

Sure enough, this is where my access ends. Only people who are members can get in. Those damn racka-fracks. I guess I'll never get the low-down on Tomestone. The "No Random Shooting" sign is a nice touch. And I'd love to get me hands on some of that Mad Thunder HUD.

But wait a minute! It would appear that I do have access to the Tomestone Mall. Maybe this'll be western enough, in a free market kind of way, for me to judge the place. Maybe some of the shopkeepers can voice their opinion as well.

We mosey down streets, uncharacteristically devoid of spittoons. I amble up to one of the local shopkeeps. He's looking less western and more metro-sexual to me and it's kind of killing my cowboy buzz. If I were in another mood, Wrister Wylie might have some explaining to do.

But, we give him the benefit of the doubt since his name is rather silly and old-westernish. I tell him about someone considering this one of the seven wonders and asked if he shared the sentiment.

He said, "Yes. I will. It is 8 SIMs large and a lot to explorer." I wasn't sure if he was attempting an old west accent and I wasn't going to ask him about it. I thanked him for his time and left.

Torchy thought we should ask the local gun shop owner what his opinion was. I walked in on Mr. Rom Giha pulling hig gun out and back in. He turned to me and drew his weapon again. I exclaimed, "Dont shoot me."

He said, "Don't worry. Not today." I asked him, "What about tomorrow?" He replied, "I'll tell you tomorrow."

Then I asked him if he agreed with a certain tech blogger that this would classify as a seven wonder of 2nd Life.

He laughed good and hard but then said that he was relatively new here so he might not be the best judge. I told him good luck with the shop and we said our goodbyes. I'm not sure if I'd keep this one on the list since I've only been to the mall. But as I stated before, I'm not dedicated enough join their happy-fun-no-random-shooting club.

I decide to jump ahead to #7, Treasure Island. #6 is a Shakespeare amphitheater, and if a play is being performed, that would make a nice last stop.

Already, I think this was a good choice for the list. The place has a nice vibe going. A little touch of mystical, a pinch of pirate and a whole lot of no people around. My kind of place.

And I'm digging the tree house.

Looks like it's raining to the southeast.

Ahhhh, a refreshing and much needed shower.

No treasure in the ship's cargo hold. Thar be pirates and scoundrels afoot.

Someone else enters the site. I fly over to introduce myself. It's a young samurai warrior in the process of changing clothes so I treded lightly. I say, "Howdy."

Ilymshan replies, "Hello, Huygens."

I get right to it and ask him if he thinks the place is deserving of the title of one of the Seven Wonders. He quickly responds, "Yes, I agree." With nothing left to say, we parted ways.

Don't worry my four-legged, fury mountain friend. You spot is secure in the Great Hall of Places to Visit in 2nd Life. Now stop eating my hair.

For last, it's time to backtrack and head to #6 to get some much needed culture at the Globe Theatre. When I look for it in the guide, I get nothing, not found and nadda. So, I give Existential's direct link a try. The place it wants to send me to has no description and a generic name of "Communication arts".

I see no theatre yet. I see no people in Shakespeare dress either. It's looking like a bust. Maybe an ariel view with shed some light, but I'm starting to think the Globe Theatre tanked.

There you are. The theatre was just a little west of my beam-in point. Not much looks to be happening down there. Even the name of the place has been converted to a bland "Greek Venue". Sorry, Globe, it looks like you're off the list.

What else was there to do than boo at a nonexistent show.

I think Torchy and I can agree that we partly agree with Mr. Existential on his choices. We've been to a lot of strange places in our short time in Second Life. Most have been wonderous in their own way.

I think my opinion would be, pound for pound, that you're going to need a much longer list than just seven with all the fantastic realms in Second Life. Nice effort though, Existential. At least you added 1 to the traffic of each one of the places on your list, if anything.

Oh, Torchy says 1.25 if we include him.

...

BONUS:

No adventure is complete without discovering a pyramid of beer.

...

Part XXVI: A Linden For Your Thoughts?

2008-07-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

"In Camelot.
Camelot! Camelot!
I know it sounds a bit bizarre,
But in Camelot, Camelot
That's how conditions are."

Torchy and I are just hanging out in this Medieval zone and harpooning random passersby. If you stay far enough away and get a few knee-high objects between you and the victim, they bounce off the object and go flailing and are none the wiser that it was you. It's good.

We were having a great time but then were thwarted by a couple making out. With no more avatars in the near area, we gave up. What to do now?

Then I remembered a discussion I had with CTC. We wondered what all these people needed to "camp for lindens" so much for. As you know, the linden is the form of currency in 2nd Life. In almost every quadrant of 2nd life I have seen spots where, if you stand in that spot for long enough, you earn lindens.

It's slow pay and you are usually subjected to perform whatever action the camping ball wants you to do, such as a wide variety of dork-alert dances. If you're lucky, you can just sit there. It's all basically a tactic to get traffic in one's 2nd Life establishment. If you see a spot with traffic clocking around 14,999, then you know there's some camping spots there. And most likely sex.

With all this in mind, Torchy and I were going to go ask some folks, "What do you need those lindens for?" I start this mission keeping in mind that I probably already know some of the answers. The first ones that come to mind are clothes, tats, and maybe a hooker or three. We shall see.

I start off by selecting your run-of-the-mill techno/dance club, traffic clocking around 14K, to teleport to. And it's hopping. And kind of ugly. I figure I'm going to be doing a lot of walking so I don some breezy shorts.

When people camp, they tend to leave their avatar to gyrate like a lanced squid while they get the hell away from their computers. Some people do stick around and attempt to chat or they use the time to sort inventories. We'll just have to see how many respond. I may be all over the place.

I kind of remember dancing naked in front of a bunch of campers once, in the middle of the night, and getting no reaction at all. Maybe it was a dream because it's real foggy. Oh well.

I walk up to the closest thing in a short skirt. I try and strike up a dialog, but I get nothing.

Then, I move one camper over and ask, a one Tinydogg, if I can ask him a question.

He says sure, so I ask him what he's earning money for.

He responds, "Anything I can get." I don't know why, but I started laughing out loud. If you could have seen the way he was dancing, it just seem fitting and a great response. I told him thank you.

I bet he's on the E.

I switch locales. I flew to a nearby Latin mall. Strangely, it was deserted except for a lone scantily clad female. I knew there were camping spots close so I took a gamble and asked if she planned to do any camping.

Then she teleported away. Jesus. Was it my shorts? Whatever the case, we took our dis like a man and torch and decided to move on. Upon looking over the guide, I noticed a hippie-pay site. Might be worth the smell. It's got huge traffic cred, though.

We get there and it's packed. Right away I see a winged gentleman having a conversation with a newbie. She asks him what he's doing and he says he's camping for lindens. This guy is the perfect candidate for my questionnaire. Hopefully the British girl won't mind if I butt in.

I walk up and ask if I can ask him a question. Thankfully no one yet has quipped, "You just did. Lol."

He says sure, so I ask what he's earning money for.

He says clothes, tattoo's, etc. Oh, and maybe a coat he's had his eye on. I thought about it and agreed it must be hard finding a jacket to match those wings of his. The responses were what I thought I would find a lot. If you're not a nomadic slob like myself, then you're probably willing to sit a few hours to get money for name brand socks.

Man, this joint is smoking. Torchy says he needs some air. Not wanting my friend to extinguish, we headed on outside. I started to notice all the Obama signs everywhere. Hippies do like change, I've heard.

We walk up to a chap doing a Timothy Leary routine and attempt to engage him. He seemed to be tripping some heavy-ass balls, so no response was forthcoming.

Strolling up to a VW van camp spot, we're addressed by a guy with the last name of Moonites. He asked me what was with the torch.

I introduced the two and Mr. Moonites asked Torchy, "Sup?"

Since things were going groovy, I asked him if he was camping. He said yes and asked if I was doing the same. I told him no, and that I was doing a report for my blog to which he responded "cool."

I asked him what he was earning money for. He said, "Guns." Not your traditional hippie response, but he didn't look the type to me anyway. He asked me for the URL for my blog. I think I was able to give it to him but there was so much traffic, the program locked up and I was forced to quit.

That's why I don't like visiting high-traffic zones. But, what the hell. I decided to go back to Hippie-Pay Island for one last toke.

Back where we left off, I stroll up the hill and find a sparkle-shoed lass by the name of Izina Quandry. I say hello. She says hello.

I asked her if she planned to do any camping for money today. She asked, "Why? Are you going to rob me?"

This made me laugh, but I dispelled her fears by stating I was just trying to get a scoop for my blog. She seemed curious. She asked me what it was that I was going to ask her.

I asked her and she told me "nothing in particular, but she likes having the money just in case she does see something she wants". I told her, "It's always good to have a nest egg, I guess."

I thanked her and was about to take off for the day when she asked me for the URL for my blog. I gave it to her and told her to stop by anytime and that she'll probably be in the next episode.

And she was.

Well, until next time, boys & girls. Maybe we'll ask more people about what kind of purchases are worth making their avatars dance like asses for hours for....

...

Part XXV: The Search For Autumn

2008-06-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

Well, we've come to the end of our month long adventure, Torchy. Our search for the four seasons has taken us from one side of 2nd Life to the next, and I'm sure we've cheesed off a lot of people in the process. Especially those dancing noobs back there on the beach.

It's only fitting we end with my favorite season, autumn. I've been cruising along through some coastal Japanese suburbs but not much is happening here. It's time to crack open our teleporter and see if we can pin down the last season.

Unfortunately, there's next to nothing as far as autumn goes in 2nd Life. I knew this would be the hardest one to locate. There are various Goth/Halloween/Vampire sites to choose from but that's not what comes first to my mind when I think of fall. I'm in the mood for beauty, multicolored leaves, harvest and a quite calm that foretells of a long sleep the land is about to take.

Oh well. We'll make do with what we can find.

This forest is quiet and not a hint of Latin-urban-techno music is to be found. The trees glow with an amber hue in preparation for a molting that they will never do unless their user scripts it in to their programming.

What a fine harvest there will be for these fine folks who are getting uneasy because I'm sitting on their crops.

An enrichment of the senses comes naturally when subjected to premium solace. This is another one of those times when sitting in a smelly print shop that I wish I could trade places with old Huygens and Torchy. Well...maybe not Torchy.

And what better ending to our adventure could we have than finding all four seasons in one spot. As I stand in the snow, with autumn to the left, spring cherry blossoms to the right and a sunny beach straight ahead, I am reminded for how glad I am that it takes longer than one month to fully enjoy each season.

And you know what, Torchy? We managed not to tick anyone off this time around. Maybe for our next adventure we should bust out the harpoon again. For old times sake.

Torchy says he's totally down with that and to screw all these pretty trees.

Torch, you are going to get us arrested someday.

...

BONUS:

Huygens will never jump the shark...

...but, he will ride it from time to time.

...

Part XXIV: The Search For Summer

2008-06-25T14:59:00.000-07:00

What's this? Is this the beginning of the end? If you click on the picture above, you can see the details. It basically says I can't log on because I have a "free" account and they need to make room for "paying" customers. What the crap is that?

This is the first time it's happened. I certainly hope this doesn't hint at a reoccurring deal with the cretins over at the 2nd Life offices. Here I thought keeping the poor down was mainly a real life thing, but no. The "man" keeps me down(offline) here too. Well, screw them. I'm still not giving those tools any of my money!

I try a half hour later and I'm allowed on. Whew! I thought I might never get to see Torchy again. I guess some paying turd finally logged off and the server graciously accepted my poor man's log-on request.

I'm climbing right now to check out an art exhibit in the sky. My shirt is still whacked out from the tornado, but that's OK. I plan to find a beach, after checking out this museum in the clouds, to enjoy some summer weather. All I'll need is my Speedo.

Neat, but did they have to put it all the way up here? I remember that sales tactic now. If you want to sell stuff to people, make sure they have to climb a two-mile rope to get to it. Brilliant.

I take a seat at a piano for sale so Torchy can practice his chopsticks. He's terrible so I get up. Like I said, the shop is neat but we quickly get bored. Now it's time to do something Huygens likes to do...

...which is jumping off incredibly high places.

Wweeeeeeeeee!

During the long fall, I have time to browse the guide for a nice beach to hit the sand. I find a Japanese resort of sorts and push teleport before I hit the ground.

Bam. And we're here. Looks crowded. Porcupine people are getting down, noobs are dancing for dollars and ladies are working on their tans(?). All in all, a happening star shaped island this is.

Hey! My shirt is all fixed! I guess all it needed was a good teleport to re-rasterize itself. Actually, I'd better change into more appropriate beach attire.

There. Nice and tight. How will the ladies(and statistically a few guys) resist? Speaking of, let's see if being married for 8 years has eroded my coming-on-to abilities. Time to find some hotties.

I wonder over to the surfboard shop and notice a French couple chatting it up. The guy teleports away leaving the lady alone to succumb to my mack-daddy talents.

I walk up and say, "Hey lovely lady, come here often?" She spits a tirade of French in my general direction. Why couldn't I have been born bilingual, damn it. I wasn't about to let a simple thing like communication get in the way of our "hooking up" so I continued, "I was just wondering if you wanted roll around in the sand with a hot piece of man-flesh like myself?"

She didn't say anything for a minute and then seemed to know enough English to ask me, "American?" I knew enough French to respond, "Ah, oui!" Then she called up another English word and said, "Pig!" and turned away. Hoping she knew more than those two words of my language, I left her with, "Get bent!"

Moving down the sand I find a couple more womanly creatures sitting at a bar. I strutted up and announced myself with, "Heyyyy ladies. Ready to get funky?" They looked at me a second and began conversing to each other in Japanese.

The only words I could make out from all the symbols were "Ha Ha Ha Ha". Torchy said he didn't think any scoring was going to happen here and they were probably having a laugh at my expense. His realization got me all fired up mad so I left them with, "Get Bent." Don't they know hotness when they see it?

You like me, don't you crab friend?

Man, this crab is pissed off. Maybe it would like me more if I didn't sit on it.

Maybe a soak in the hot tub will get my courting juices flowing again. Wait a minute. Who gets in a hot tub on a sizzling beach in the blazing sun. What a stupid idea. It must be here for those people who like "extreme" beaching.

OK. One more attempt at being the daddy-mack and I'm giving up. If these chicks can't take my sexual charisma, then a pox on them. I head on over to the "dancing for dollars" section of the party. A comely lass is in line for the next available slot. Time to work some magic.

I swaggered on up to her and asked, "Howdy. Come here often?" I didn't get any reply, but I also didn't get laughed at yet, so I continued, "I couldn't help noticing you were female and all and didn't know if you might want to get injected with 10 ccs of Huygens?"

No reply was forthcoming. She just stared at me. I could only guess what language this lady spoke but it sure wasn't mine apparently. Fine then. Who needed chicks anyway. I signed off on her with my now well practiced, "Get bent!"

One of the dancing-for-dollars dorks thought I was talking to them and said, "Fuck you." Not one to back away from a mistaken identity altercation, I replied to them, "No, Fuck you." They came back with, "No, FUCK U!" To which I threw, "No, Fuck you, you fucking fuck!"

At that point, another of the dancing dorks grew tired of our debate and chimed in with, "Fuck you both." I got a kick out of this and said, "Har! Good one, dancing dork noob." He responded, "Thanks. Now fuck off."

And since I was running out of ways to use "fuck" in a sentence, I thought it best to take dancing dork's advice. I shuffled down the shore to get some solitude. All this macking and cursing was wearing me out.

I find a quite neck of the party and settled down to work on my tan(?). Isn't summer fun, Torchy?

He says if he had eyes, he'd be rolling them right now.

...

Part XXIII: The Search For Spring

2008-06-12T07:03:00.000-07:00

We're awake. I come to at the bar in the main ski lodge. I must have been more tired from our tumble down the mountain and all that Guinness than I thought. There are a lot of people around too. Maybe they want my seat?

I get up and get ready to head out. One dude asks, "Hey Huygens, what's up?" I grumble, "Getting away from you. That's what." To which he replies, "Ouch." I walk away before anything else can be said. I'm in no mood for these people right now.

I head out the lodge and several people are relaxing in chairs by the door. A woman close to me says, "Hi Huy. How's it going?" I responded, "I don't speak English, noob." She said, "Huh?" But before she could say more, I flew straight up as fast as I could.

I attained some much needed privacy hovering over the lodge in the clouds. That's when I notice something odd. My shirt had been changed. An image of the inside of the lodge has been grafted onto it. What the hell were those chatter bugs doing to me while I was passed out. I decide I'll worry about it later.

Anyway, what weather should we find next, Torchy? Winter turns into Spring, right? What kind of weather does spring have?

I know! Tornadoes! Having experienced one in real life, why not try and find one in Second Life? Torchy groans. After our spill down the mountain, he was kind of hoping for a more tame adventure. Just to make him happy, I try and find Spring in my guide. Nothing comes up in reference to the season. But, I typed in "Tornado" and got this...

Sorry, Torchy. This looks too interesting to pass up. We're going...

Whoa.

That's a tornado alright. We must get a closer look.

I get closer but am not feeling any effects yet. Maybe we should get closer still.

Pretty damn close now and still nothing. It's doing a good job of tearing up the island, though. Hey look. A cow!

Then, the tornado itself acknowledges me. It tells me that I'm in a tornado (duh) and that I should touch the tornado and get a suction HUD. I'm not sure what that is, but it sounds fun. Everyone could use a suction HUD.

While I'm contemplating this, the twister moves and for just a moment I take up residence inside it. It doesn't sound like a freight train at all.

While the funnel cloud goes to town, I check out the rest of the island. Other people are enjoying this thing too. It looks like you can buy a tornado if you want. This island is the shop and this twister is the demo model. I find the "suction HUD" the tornado was talking about and activate it. This means the tornado will have its appropriate effects on me. Time to get sucked.

I walk up to the spinning cloud and immediately get sucked up into it. It twirls me around for a while and throws me 200ft into the ocean nearby. That was a blast! Then the twister dissipates as the demonstration comes to an end.

I walk back to the demo booth with the others who had been enjoying the event, and we activated ourselves another one.

This time I wanted to be in one of the buildings when the twister came calling. I barely miss being sucked up by it as I hightail it to one of the huts. I have the idea that maybe if I stand in the path of destruction, it might clear up this problem with my shirt. I would rather have a twister imprinted on it than the inside of that stupid ski lodge.

There. All nice and safe. Nothing can get me in here.

I am proven wrong as the roof is ripped off my hut. I see a girl named Tamostu getting sucked up into the cloud and I yell, "Nooooo! It got Tamostu! Damn it all to Hell!" As she enters the spin zone, she yells back, "Don't cry! I'll see you on the other side!" Then I watched as the twister spins her through clouds of debris at high velocities, only to discard her and send her flying a mile out into the ocean.

I'll never forget you, Tamostu.

Then, the structure around me explodes into chunks. It was weird. It looked like I melded with the ground for a second while the tornado had its way with my hut.

Then it was all done. Everything reverted back to its original status and the cloud dissipated. That was mad fun, but it looks like the experience did not fix my shirt at all. Damn.

Wait a minute. It's better! There are bits of grass and dirt grafted on the front too! Thank you, funnel cloud. You spoke to me and showed me such a good time. Maybe my shirt will start collecting images from all my adventures now. I could start a boss, pictograph-map clothing line.

And I'll always remember where that chunk of grassy dirt came from...

...

Part XXII: The Search For Winter

2008-06-04T21:28:00.000-07:00

I awake in the Black Forest to find the small pleasant pond before me transformed into some Stonehenge type, possibly sacrificial, alter. I'm glad I woke up when I did. What the hell were they planning for me. We should get out of here, Torchy.

Trudging up the hill, we find more yuppie homes. This one appears to have a messy pentagram scrawled on a wall on the second floor. Might be in blood. I think it's time for a little B & E.

No breaking and entering needed. The door is unlocked and it announces my presence with a whisper. It's a little unnerving. For some reason, I think I might have preferred a shout instead.

A well stocked, unusable liquor stash is always a must in any Second Life yuppie domicile.

We're in his/hers/their office and I must say, I think they have questionable taste in art. Or they're just horn-dogs.

Maybe I'm being too hard on this person, Torchy. At least they left their crib open to vagabonds like myself. Most people with land and a house have their forcefields raised at all times.

Maybe I should pray to Satan a little for forgiveness in my judgmental ways. Maybe he can even throw in an idea for a new quest we can undertake.

I must assume the pentagram is another piece of art on the wall and not a shrine of any sort, because I don't get a peep out of Satan. Maybe it's better that way. I hear he's kind of a dick. This still leaves us without a mission, though. And something about SL has been bugging me lately, but I have yet to pin it down...

...until now. I suddenly realize what's been missing. Weather! I've been so distracted by the scenery and the citizens to realize it. There's never any weather here. It's always been balmy and a cool 72 degrees (I'm guessing) in almost every place I've been. No rain, no snow...nothing. Torchy, we got to find ourselves some weather. And since it's 90 degrees in real life right now, I'm itching for some snow.

I crunch "snow" into my guide. It took a while to find something worthwhile. A lot of sites just throw a bunch of words, like snow, in their descriptions just so they'll pop up in your search. Most I found had nothing to do with snow and were just using a sleazy tactic in a vain attempt to get you to go there. Assholes.

I eventually found a ski resort. You can't have skiing without snow, right? Torchy and I arrive to the place and are greeted by two guys sitting at the bar. No snow was in the near vicinity.

One guy at the bar said, "Hello, Huygens." I replied, "Yo." The other asked, "Is this your first visit here?" I replied, "Word."

The first one asks, "What's with the torch?" I asked him, "What's with not having a torch?"

He didn't respond so I continued, "This is Torchy, my pal. In another quest I might have asked you two gentlemen to fight, but I'm just here looking for some snow."

The other responds, "OK? Good luck with that then." "Thanks," I replied and walked away. But before I was out of earshot, I heard the first one say to the other, "That was a weirdo."

Looking at my map, I could see snow due east of the main lodge. I decided to take the easy way and flew up to get a good view of the land. This virtual world still surprises me sometimes. The view is quite majestic and lovely.

As I get closer to the mountains, I find the snow I had been seeking and cabins nestled along the ridges. Almost all of them have their forcefields up. Paranoid mountain folk, there here be.

They are all empty of their residents, except one. I fly on down to see if they feel like a chatting about squirrels or something. Unfortunately this person has the shields up and I am prevented from knocking on the door.

So I do the next best thing. I hover up to the forcefield and attempt to talk them into lowering it. I know they can hear me from this distance. I say, "Helloooo. Anybody home?"

Nothing. I could see the person. He was on the second floor. He was looking at me too. I said, "Don't be scared. I thought maybe we could talk about squirrels." Nothing again. Maybe being up here all alone has degraded his social skills. Maybe his "shining" was telling him not to trust me.

"Are you a hermit?" I asked. Still nothing. I had better things to do than try to pry this recluse out of his shell. I said, "I'll see ya later. I just thought you might want to chat. Go ahead and continue living your caged lie, you stupid git."

Nothing. Insults, the last recourse, could not even get anything out of him. I continued flying up the mountain and left lonely-boy to do whatever he does alone.

Yay! I made it to the top. I guess I could have taken the ski lift. Oh well.

The snow is beautiful when illuminated by Torchy. He says no need to thank him. He does what he does.

I meander around the peak awhile. There's a swank looking lodge at the very top, but of course it's blocked by forcefields.

With this mission complete, I have little else to do up here. I should have picked up a free set of skis somewhere. What the hell, let's see if we can ski down the mountain anyway. With no shoes on, I bet my feet will be slick in the snow. That is, if anyone bothered to script those kind of aesthetic codes into this reality. I doubt it. More likely the programmers are still working on trying to get boobs to look just right or something.

I step over the edge and start my decent. As far as I have seen, there is no running in Second Life. There is either walking, driving something or flying. And walking down such a steep incline, I am going so fast that it ends up looking like I'm goose-stepping down the mountain.

I trip over a waterfall and free fall for a bit.

Bouncing of boulders of various sizes, I fall with a thud in front of a couple of skiers at the bottom. I get up and exclaim, "Shit yeah, that was fun!"

One laughs and the other says, "Smooth."

I respond with, "They call me......Ex-Lax."

So with not much left to to, I hobble over the the main lodge and nurse my battered bones with a fireside seat and a pint of Guinness in hopes of trading stories with other ski extremist like myself. No one seems interested, so I enjoy the solitude like my hermit friend up on the mountain.

We should get going soon. There's more weather out there to find, Torchy.

He suggests we find some that's less bruising next time...

...

Part XXI: Hey You, Let's Fight: Episode 3: Who Would Jesus Fight?

2008-05-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

Oh where have you taken us now, bicycle? I've been riding, for what seems like forever, in an attempt to find someone and ask them if they want to fight in order to see their reaction. I've rolled straight on up to some Christian church land's sacred circle. A meeting is underfoot.

The title of the place denotes it is of the Christian religion variety, but the person in the circle addressing everyone is talking some weird speak. Time travel, portals and other dimensions are just a few things I pick up from her speech. Since I've shown up right into the middle of Macleod Doobie's sermon, I'm at a loss as to her subject. Everyone else seems to be cheering, smiling and hooting though. They're definitely getting something out of it.

I have to look around to make sure where I am.

Yup, it's definitely Christian.

I should probably put on a shirt and ditch the bike, to be polite and all. Torchy throws out the idea of asking the congregation if they want to scrap. Na. Even I'm not that rude. Anyway, it seems like they got a serious thing. I won't interrupt them. Then Torchy asks if he can get out of my pocket at least. Pushy torch.

We find the welcome sign for the place. Why do most churches today go with Papyrus font? Sure it looks ancient and it comes free with most operating systems, but come on. Overused, man.

Then: I get an attack of RFS (restless family syndrome). My little girl wakes up in her crib, my brother calls and the wifey pulls up with groceries. I'm forced to unplug Huygens...

And we're back...but quite a few hours later. The circle has disbanded and there are only a few people here. I switch shirts. The underwear tank-top is a good universal indicator of brawly. Maybe it'll help.

I wander over to the gardens. A couple of people are chatting. I stalk within hearing distance. One girl is talking to what I think is another woman dressed in a tux, bald and with an eye patch. The girl sitting is telling the other person that they have mixed up her husbands. She makes a point that "Bob" is her SL(Second Life) husband and that "Henry" was her RL(real life) husband.

Wait a minute. Isn't that polygamy? I'm not too brushed up on the Christian ethics of virtual reality, but that seems kind of strange. Unless I'm in a Mormon site, but I don't think so. I wonder how devoted she is to the SL guy then?

Anyway, it was none of my business. My business was to ask these people a question so I walked up to them in order to do that thing. They were friendly and said, "Hi." I returned the pleasantry. Even this close, I was still unable to tell what gender the other person was. And their name, Tee Barrs, shed no light on the subject either. I was having a "Pat" issue here, so I took a gamble and asked, "Would you ladies be interested in a fight?"

Tee Barrs turns and asks me, "Are you sick?" Strike one.

Then Tee Barrs says, "I'm am not a lady." Strike two. That probably explains the rose in his hand. I realize he's probably trying to court this young lady of two husbands.

They seemed confused, understandably. I tried to clarify and said, "I'm just doing a study. There's no obligation."

Tee was pissed and said, "No, none here." Tracey was still baffled a little and asked me, "What are you fighting?"

Then Tee followed up with, "Unless you want to chat about your need for the Lord Jesus." I decided to ignore him for the moment and answer Tracey, "I'm not fighting anyone or anything in particular. I'm just seeing how many people would want to fight if I asked them." Then I turned to Tee and said, "No, I'm pretty stocked up on Jesus, thank you."

Tracey tells me, "You need help. Go fight for God." Tee Barrs tells me I should do better things with my time and that I should get a life. I said to Tracey, "Sorry to disturb you, but I don't think Jesus would approve of me fighting anyone for him. He's kind of a peace nut, I hear. Oh, and Tee, I have plenty of better things to do, but this one is the most fun right now. And as far as getting a life, I don't think you need to be advising anyone while trying to mack on a girl with two husbands."

Surprisingly, Tracey starts to laugh. Tee gets pretty hopped up mad and yells, "You are a fool. You need to leave!" I reply, "What a big man you are. Let me buy you a pack of gum and teach you how to chew it." To which, Tracey laughs more.

"I'm going to get you kicked out of here," Tee threatens. Although, it's obvious to me Tee has no power or sway with the servers or else I would have been booted a long time ago.

I say, "Hey, Tee. Guess what."

He fires back, "What!?"

"We're fighting," I reveal to him. There's a short pause while they digest this and then they both start to chuckle. Tee says, "I guess we are. Are you happy now?" I say to him, "My study is non-biased. I just document the outcomes."

We say our goodbyes and I tell them to go in peace. They tell me to do the same. I wander out of eyesight but not out of earshot. I want to eaves drop a little and find out what they thought of our encounter.

Tee says, "That was too much." Tracey responds, "Such strangeness in the world."

Then he asks, "Yes, are we not all a little strange?" To which she responds, "Or a lot." I guess they were calling me a lot of strange. Then they both burst into laughter.

And that was the best outcome. All I ever wanted from this experiment was to give people a bizarre situation and a laugh or two. Huygens didn't want to fight at all, just like Jesus, and it was nice not finding that many people who actually wanted to. It was time for our quest to be over and move on.

But, before we left, I flew up as high as I could go into the clouds just to make sure Jesus wasn't hiding up there above the church anywhere. I didn't see him. He's probably off somewhere trying to convince people not to fight in his name, that no good peacenick.

So, Torchy and I retreated to The Black Forest to ponder new adventures and to bed down for the night. My computer's video card starts to wig out so we were treated to some nice abstract backgrounds as day slipped into night...

...

Part XX: Hey You, Let's Fight: Episode 2: The Fightn' Cycling Tour

2008-05-12T21:20:00.000-07:00

We're in The Black Forest. It's not that big actually. A couple acres at the most. But, it's pretty. Maybe I'll try and squat my cabin here sometime and see how long it lasts. Not yet though. We're on a mission to see how people react when we ask them if they want to fight.

Since we can build here, I think I'll dust off that BMX bike Herschel gave me a while back. I might get to people faster if I'm cycling. Sorry, Torchy. You'll have to adjourn to the inventory. It's much easier to pilot a spaceship holding a torch than it is to ride a bike with one.

The Black Forest appears to be surrounded by residential neighborhoods of upper middle class to light rich design. This area of The Black Forest is a "Pipe Free" zone. I wonder if that includes joints?

It turns out I can only ride my bike as fast as I can walk. At least it looks different than walking.

Upon leaving the forest, I can't help but think back to Part V, when I saw that organization's poster decrying the overuse of ads and billboards in 2nd Life. I'm starting to agree. It's just like real life in a way. The land in between private lands is crammed with advertising. Except here it's worse. Billboards can float in the sky.

I hit the residential yuppie neighborhood at full speed. The first person I come across is a woman in stirrups standing on a fence, watching a large fire. I rolled up and asked her, "Hey crazy lady, you want to fight?" She responded, "Ew. Beat it." I was happy to fulfill her request. I rolled on.

I coasted right into some guy's back patio. He turned and looked at me kind of startled. I said to him, "Sorry to interrupt all that standing and staring you're doing, but I was just seeing if you might be itching for a fight at all." He looked at me again and said "You have 20 seconds to vacate the premises before you get booted." I replied, "That's rather automated of you."

And then I was booted. I transported under da sea somewhere I do not know where. He didn't even give me the 20 seconds. It's looks like someone else is under the waves with me judging by my radar. Maybe they crossed that yuppie dick and got booted here too.

I cycled on over to the person. A lady as it turns out.

I asked her, "Would you like to fight?"

She said, "No thank you." I replied, "OK, thank you for your time." And then I followed with, "Nice dress by the way." She said, "Thank you, and good luck with the fights." "Thanks!" I says and I peddled off. When well past her, Torchy mumbles something from my pocket. Damn, you're right. I forgot to ask her what the hell she was doing all the way out here anyway. Oh well.

After about 5 minutes of moderately paced riding, I hit dry land. It looks to be a Japanese garden/shrine of sorts. And in front of me a curvy cat-woman with ginormous exposed mammaries. This was not the scene I was expecting. Although by now I should be used to it.

She spoke first, "Hello, Sir." Her name was "pleasing Littlething". Fitting, if you're into cat-people, I guess. The place itself was called "Tut-Shaio Designs and Espresso Land LLC Home". Littlething here was definitely espressoing herself a bit. Where the hell does the coffee come into this place? Anyway, the point is, I eventually asked her if she wanted to fight.

She replied, "I hope you do not bring fight to this property, Sir." I responded, "I do not bring anything, Ms. Thing. I merely offer."

Then she said, "I would thank you to take your fighting will someplace else, Sir." I liked the way she put that. I replied, "I will gladly move on. I don't want to cause a fuss."

Then she said, "Besides, I could orbit you to a million kilometers at will. But I prefer not to."

Wow. Peaceful and deadly. I said, "That's cool! I've only been in orbit once. But since you prefer not to, I won't ask you to do it."

"You're weird, Sir," she responded.

I think we're having a Peanuts moment.

...

Part XIX: Hey You, Let's Fight: Episode 1: Big Shirtless Huygens

2008-05-03T21:59:00.000-07:00

He's back

Huygens took a vacation of his own. After the jolly good fight he had, he figured his electrons needed a rest. He unplugged and went wherever avatars go when they're off line.

And now he's back. All rested and rearing to go. As fun as it was to dress up, it's always a bitch to revert back to his preferred look. You have to take off this, detach that, and sort through an ever expanding inventory. It's nice to be finally getting quick about it though.

And better still...Torchy's back too! I asked him how his family was. He said halfway back to Orientation Island he realized he didn't have a family and that he was just scripted by some pone on his computer. He ended up spending the entire two weeks in Free Sex Land. I didn't ask.

So now we ponder what to do. Tim's comment last time got us thinking. It does seem Huygens' most memorable adventures have resulted from a confrontation of some sort. Usually provoked by us. Torchy especially. And we usually go about it in a bizarre or abstract way.

But what if we took the direct approach by simply walking up to people and asking them to fight? How often would it work? We were about to find out by undertaking a new quest. Huygens stripped down to pants only and threw on his supper fast cape. This time I set the speed to 30mph. No head cronching induced death this time.

We're still in Gotham City. Huygens never left when he left, so he showed Torchy around. Just like two weeks ago, practically no one is here. There is one person in at the moment so we decide to buzz on over and test the new charge given to us by us.

Well what do you know? It's the Dark Knight himself. Good thing I changed or that might have been awkward. Besides, he's got the look down pretty good. The bad thing, it looks like he's away at the moment. No point in asking him for fisty-cuffs. I'm kind of glad.

2nd Life is always upgrading. It seems like every month or so they require you to download an updated version. A minor annoyance. I knew there would be one waiting when I logged back on after the hiatus. But this time, I actually noticed a change. Check out the still above and see how dark it is....now watch when I whip Torchy out....

See. He's actually giving off his own ambient light now! Mark this in your calendar. 2nd Life just got slightly more real! Slightly. Nice effect though.

So where's the most likely place to get into a fight? I type in "fight club" into the guide and a few measly choices come up. I pick one that seems fighty and teleport away.

It seems the only residents of fight club are some slutty looking women camping for dollars. I'm starting to believe 2nd Life is equal parts camping for money and stupid dancing. I do think the camping spot that takes the form of a hobo sleeping in newspapers is a nice touch though.

I go ahead and ask, "Anybody want to fight?" No one responds. I guess they're too busy earning more money for more advanced prostitute duds or something. No sense in wasting more time, I put back on my cape and soar up, up and away.

I fly no more than a few blocks when I run into The Shipyard. That's right, the very same Star Trek role-play site I tried to join and never heard back from. Small world this 2nd Life.

I could never gain access to it other than a couple of rooms. Who knew all I had to do was fly into it from its next door neighbor.

Oh will those nerds ever get that ship built?

It's no wonder they never got back to me. Nobody ever comes here. I see only one person in at the moment. Since I finally got into this place, the least I could do is ask its only occupant if they want to fight.

I find them on the top floor of some administrative building in some office. Looks like she's a robot. Her name title indicates she's busy. That might mean she's cleaning inventory or scripting or something so she might be able to hear me. I say, "Hi." No response.

Huygens is not detoured yet..

I tell her all about my woes with the place and how I thought it was lame to have this place and no one show up. I told her about a few of my adventures. I asked her if she was every going to get a second leg.

I guess I needed talk or something. She seemed to be a good listener. And after I vented enough, I felt the time was right to ask the question.

I asked, but she never responded. Was anybody manning their avatar anymore? Since no fight was to be found here it was time to leave. I typed in "bug" in my guide and see an animal adoption site. I bet there's someone testy over there. Off I go....

I immediately come across a woman and her tiny friend with wings who excretes bubbles. They were checking over squirrel selections so Torchy and I ambled on up and asked, "Would either of you two like to fight?"

The little winged girl laughed. Her friend politely responded, "No thanks." I said, "Oh well, thanks for your time" and left them to their squirrels. At least someone responded this time.

Things were looking up.

...

Part XVIII: The Dud Knight

2008-04-16T14:36:00.000-07:00

Evicted! I log back in 8 days later to find my cabin booted off the land and back into my pocket. Ouch. So much for squatting here. It was beautiful and peaceful too. Oh well, I'm kind of looking for something underwater anyway. Less conspicuous.

The area was so calming, I had to lay in the waterfall and have a Jack & Coke while I figured out what to do. Torchy was away visiting his family on Orientation Island so it was just me and my thoughts.

I sifted through my inventory for anything that would give me inspiration for my next adventure. What's this? I still haven't tried on my Batman avatar yet? Well, time to play some serious dress-up.

It seems to be bordering between a cool Batman and a hokey one. I elongate the cape a little for my personal taste. I hate that short-cape-Batman shit.

What to do now? Say, I wonder if they have a Gotham City here in 2nd Life. If I am to be The Dark Knight, then the least I could do is prowl around his turf and bust a few heads. I cue up my guide and type in "gotham city".

I get two hits. The first one and most visited, Gotham City XXX, is heralding itself as the "Largest Fuck Sim in Second Life" in its description. Apparently it has everything from gang-bangs to slave auctions. Not the exact Gotham City I was looking for but what the hell. I'll check it out. Besides, with that much debauchery there's got to me some crime in there that needs its head busted.

Largest Fuck Sim my ass. Sure, there are 20 or so people here, but they're all dancing to horrible techno. No coitus to be seen. I see people dancing in cages for dollars. Unfortunately I see no empty cages. The thought of seeing Batman dance slutty in a bondage cage is appealing, but I'm done with money for a while. And like I said, there were no free cages.

There was a teleport guide to the place on the wall, so I went and checked it out.

They seem all self explanatory to me. All except the bottom far right corner. I don't even see any people in the picture. Most likely that's the kinkiest one. There were a few that might be worth a look see, but I just wasn't in the mood for a bat-job. Maybe if I was a Bruce Wayne avatar, but Batman feels like some face punching. Not lovin.

Time to beam on over to the other Gotham City. Comic book references abound though its description. The only problem is that it has low traffic. There's probably nobody even in there.

"This is my city........population 3......I'm Batman."

I always wanted to say that in context. But I don't lie. There are only two other people in here. At least without a lot of people around I can test whatever Batman abilities I have. I'm standing on the edge. If I jump off let's see if I glide with my cape or use some bat-grapple gun or simply flip a bunch of cool times and land awesome like .

I take the plunge.

OK, no wicked cape gliding yet so I bet those cool flips are coming any time now.

Splat. It's seems I do not possess any of Batman's talents. Only his smashing good looks. At least I can fly. Batman can't do that. Ha.

Enough testing, since there's nothing to test. I decided to check on one of the other residents of this fine burg. If they want a fight, they came to the right bat.

Well well. It seems my opposite, Batgirl, is hanging out on this rooftop. She could very well be the nemesis I've been expecting.

I went in for a closer look. It looked like she was away from her avatar. Possible RFS. She was slumping a bit but not a lot. Use caution Bats.

I tried using my harpoon on her, but it didn't work. Again it looked like all my ordinance was useless here. Drat. What could I do to fight this non active person?

I went back to basics. I got next to her and ever so gently started to nudge her. The ledge was only a few feet away so I figured a good 100 ft fall would be a good first blow to make in our powerful super-fight.

Just as we were reaching the ledge, she came to and asked, "Are you pushing me?" Oh no! our evil genius was playing possum. Forget it Bats, push her over! Now!

I kept pushing as frantically as was alloted to me. Just as we reached the edge she pulled some sort of high kick and I went spilling over the edge. Damn you Batchick! First blood is yours.

I fell to the ground with another splat. I got up and started to head around to the other side of the building. Maybe I could sneak up behind her and perform some sort of killing stroke.

Oh yeah. I probably should have remembered she has radar too and saw me headed around back. She was there to meet me. Damn you, Batchick.

To my extreme disadvantage, she was also armed with a functional bat-plasma gun. She ejected a few discharges in my direction but I dodged them easy. She was too high in the sky to be accurate. Maybe she thought I might be scared off by a few warning shots. She flew back to the roof top.

No way am I backing down. I fly up to the roof and shout, "Come get some!" She cocks her hand in the "bring it" motion. Don't worry my fem-nemesis, it's being brought.

I start to dive bomb her. Maybe I can still knock her off the roof through repeated aerial nudging. She starts taking shots at me with that plasma gun of hers. I do a pretty good job evading the blasts.

Then all of a sudden, The Question shows up. I fly down to see if he's with me or with my evil arch nemesis.

Batgirl, being the evil devious mastermind, takes advantage of this distraction. She fires a full blast into an unsuspecting me. It hurts, I think. Why did I let my guard down? I get thrown back and fall through the open ceiling onto the floor below. Now I was really pissed.

I fly back up only to be pelted by more of Batbitch's weapons. The Question even has a tommy gun now and is taking pot shots. I guess he's picked sides, the bastard. I'm loosing this battle fast.

Think old man! Think! Adapt to the situation before you get poned.

Then I got an idea. I remembered Herschel said the "moonwalk" gesture we got from that beefcake at that pub isn't really a moonwalk. When you activate it, all of a sudden you start humping a bison with the words "Owned" above it.

I had no idea if this would work but I went for my utility belt and threw the moonwalk at The Question. He seemed confused for a second but then accepted it. Phase one. Now all he has to do is investigate it a little further and...

Yes! You got owned, The Question. He was really humping buffalo now. He yelled, "Hey, this isn't a moon walk at all!" Batgirl was about snap out of the events she was seeing but before she did, I lobbed a glass of Merlot at her. Stunned again, she accepted it and started sipping.

The Question was finally able to disengage the bison from his pelvis, but before he could retaliate, I chucked him a bottle of Absinthe. He accepted and stated, "Whoa, liquor." He immediately started chugging on the bottle.

I'm not sure if it was the Absinthe or what, but soon The Question was flying around on Pegasus. Batgirl continued to sip her wine and seemed to be glowing a little.

Then Laura Croft popped up and I hurled her a can of Guinness. This was too easy. With the fight forgotten by my enemies, victory became mine! Ha Ha Ha!

Wait till I tell Torchy about this one.

...

Part XVII: Huygens Sideways, Homeowner!

2008-04-08T21:13:00.000-07:00

After hanging out with Herschel was over, Torchy and I got back on the road. We teleported around a bit, eventually found a large sector and decided to fly around. After a few metro centers a medieval forest unfolded below us. We came to some enormously long and high castle walls. I couldn't find the castle. Just all the damn walls. But the forest was pretty. I spotted a lovely looking pond and decided to touch down for a second.

And then I noticed something. My "build" icon on my menu was lit up. Do you know what this means, Torchy!? I don't care if you don't care, it means we can squat here!

No, not that kind of squat, my fiery friend, I mean we can finally dust off that log cabin in a box that's been cramping my pocket and build us a home.

This isn't easy at all, but I manage to lump together the foundation, walls and roof. It isn't going to be perfect but that bothers me not at all. It'll give it charm. There are color polls on the side of each item in order to get the correct alignment. The polls are helpful and all but I can't get rid of them. Maybe they disappear if you have the house built right. In that case, I'll just have to pretend it's a radar tower or something.

There. Good enough. Once I was done, I rotated the cabin to face the water.

I took a page from Frank Lloyd Wright and have my cabin utilizing the nature around me. A tree makes a nice center piece I think. I'm not even going to bother with doors or windows. It was a bitch just getting the easy parts together. And since I'm squatting anyway, my home is anyone's home.

We should hit that freebie store up for a chair and an abstract painting, Torchy. Maybe a lamp too.

It's nice to finally have a spot to rest up in between adventures. I hope we go undetected by the land's owner and administrator for awhile, because I could sure get used to this view.

...

Part XVI: A Tale of Herschel Tattelbaum

2008-04-07T10:16:00.000-07:00

At one point in my Trek quest I received a note card from somebody. A person named Herschel Tattelbaum offered me a friendship request. My first thought was "spammer", but after a little investigating I soon realized it was a fellow blog buddy, Anonymous Communist. He had joined 2nd Life and was cruising around having adventures of his own.

One lunch hour I had nothing to do, so I logged on to see what kind of trouble Huygens and Torchy could get into. As soon as I got on I saw that Herschel was also online. I sent him an instant message and quickly got a reply. We agreed to meet on ChillOut Island. He said he had just been there camping for dollars himself.

That's Herschel, the sharp dressed man. Not that ghostbuster slacker. I told him he had a nice tux. I felt shabby.

We quickly went to work exchanging inventory. I gave him all the firearms and gadgets I had and he set me up with a BMX bike and a gigantic penis. It was awesome.

After the swap, we agreed an afternoon pint sounded nice. I told him I'd track a pub down while he was playing with his snowball, teleport there, check it out and then give him the coordinates. He said cool. I went through my list after searching under "Irish Bar" and found a quaint one in 2nd Life Dublin. I transported there to get a vibe of the place.

Seemed nice to me, plus it actually had a few people in it. I told Herschel it was all good and offered him a teleport. He soon rasterized in front of me so I started to head in the place.

Uh oh. It looks like Herschel suffers from RFS (restless family syndrome). The telltale slumping of the avatar is a good indication. Causes may include: kid's bugging you for your attention, errands that need attended to, a partner who needs affection or anything in real life that doesn't waste time. The only thing you can do is wait until your avatar friend snaps out of it and is able to distract the family for a minute or two.

He snaps out of it and we head on in. But then, he gets another attack. Poor guy. Family's really working him over. While Herschel's out, I'm addressed by the beefcake on the other side of the bar. He attempts to say something humorous about Torchy. I forget what it was but I remember responding with, "He likes it when you sit on him." The poor buff bastard was confused I think, probably not sure if he'd been insulted or not, and did not respond with words but with a gesture. He gave me a "moonwalk" dance from his inventory. I reciprocated by trying to give him a 20ft penis that Herschel gave me. He declined the offer. I took his moonwalk though.

I hunkered down at the bar. Herschel had come to by now and said he was going to case the joint. After looking around a little he came back and we inspected what was on tap. It had many Irish favorites such as Smithwicks, Harpoon, Murphy's and, of course, Guinness.

Hmm, no bartender. What do you do?

Why you simply jump over the bar and serve yourself. Herschel and I proceeded to acquire each kind of pint for our inventories. Each time we poured one, a message from the bar's creator would pop up and say "Enjoy the (beer name). You owe me 2 euros!" And each time we would respond, "Screw you, (creator's name)!" If you'd ever work in your own bar from time to time we wouldn't have to jump the rail and pilfer. Put it on our tab.

Herschel jumps the bar and heads towards a private corner to have another attack. Poor guy. Don't worry, I'll make sure no one messes with you.

While he's out, I moseyed on over to the dance floor and activated a dance ball hovering above. Little did I know it was set to "Irish Disco". I was expecting the hornpipe or something and ended up getting Staying Alive.

I took my flamboyant groove on over to Herschel's corner. Actually at this point I'm not sure how to disengage the dancing. I work the walls and hope to god I stop soon before he wakes up.

As I'm frantically working my inventory of gestures to try anything to stop dancing I notice a funny thing. Even though Herschel's out like a light, he continues to drink from his pint occasionally in between slumps . Anonymous Communist would appreciate that gift his avatar has.

He wakes up again and states that there are errands in his real life that must be attended to and he must say goodbye. I wished him well and he disappeared in a blink.

That was fun, Torchy. We'll have to hang out with Herschel again sometime. Torchy agreed. After all, with two of us, we could confuse twice as many people.

Now. Who should we talk to? Slutty Bar Chick, Samurai Panda or Glitter Guy?

...

Part XV: Sneaking Around Starfleet

2008-04-05T21:50:00.000-07:00

It's been four days and I've still heard nothing from the roll-playing site, The Shipyard. Come to think of it, every time I've been there I've only seen a few people in the vicinity. I think my imagination has run away with me again, Torchy. I had this grand vision of a large community of nerds interacting and having adventures when in fact it was pretty sparse and devoid like a lot of 2nd Life venues. Sure there might be 50,000 people logged on at the time, but 2nd Life is vastly vast. It's a lot of space to spread out a lot of folk. Maybe it wouldn't have worked anyway. It's the first time I had a prolonged agenda. It was the first time I broke my vow of poverty, now loaded with $16. I'd probably end up breaking some protocol or not log on enough to the site forum or something.

Unlike The Shipyard, the most popular roll-play site, United Federation Starfleet Something Er Other, is accessible and not blocked off from the regular joes like me. I think I'll sneak around it a little. Get this Trek shit out of my system. This is the same place I came in dressed like Darth Vader and got razzed.

Aside from some monuments, a mini mall and the introduction building there wasn't much to see. There were shuttle crafts docking and taking off again but I had yet to figure out how to ride one.

Until now. They move really quick but I right clicked it and was able to select "ride" before it took off again. No control at my disposal, I take a ride into the unknown and semi-restricted.

I rose up and up. It appeared like we were headed toward a space station of standard Starfleet design.

At a pivotal moment we broke through the night sky only to pop out behind it to another horizon. So I guess it's true what some ancients say. The night sky is a black sheet with holes in it. Who would have known it would be proven in virtual reality. This must be a ginormous station.

My ship docks, I disembark and the shuttle quickly scuttles off. Time to snoop. Looks like there's only 5-10 people wandering the place. I'll have to make sure I stay inconspicuous. Don't want to cheese anybody off and get more bodily harm on to myself. Torchy, you're going to have to stay hidden on this one. You might draw unnecessary 17th century attention to us. Have to put on my Neptune pattern shirt and black valuer pants to try to fit in as best as possible.

I find a transporter to whisk me around the station.

First I stop off at the observation deck. Oh, if only I could get to that ship out there.

I then headed to engineering. I was worried there might be someone on duty. What was I thinking. If you are going to be online then the last thing you want to do is hang around in a room and wait for snoopers like me to come poking around. Even if it is a roll-playing site, that might get kind of boring. A lot of these rooms are unfinished. The warp core seems to be missing its housing unit. The core itself is suspended in midair. There is control panel in front of it with five settings. I select overdrive and the warp core starts spinning madly as it works overtime. When little wisps of smoke start to appear I decide it's time to shuffle off. I doubt it will explode but I decide to leave it going to see if anybody notices. What the hell does a space station need with a warp core anyway?

Oh no! Someone's spotted me. Run!

Actually, I didn't run. I just used the turbo lift to escape to another floor really quick. Next stop: Astrometrics. The room is empty except for a few control panels. I start to push all the buttons I can and things start appearing. First a ship floating in orbit, then a few planets, next all the planets and finally other parts of rooms. This was great.

I had the whole room going and was pleased. Time to leave everything on and leave. I was headed toward the turbo lift when it opened and two officers in yellow uniforms emerged from it. Now, if you know anything about Star Trek The Next Generation, you'll know yellow uniform means "security". I didn't wait to find out if the jig was up. I had my teleporter on hand just in case trouble was to be had. Whether they would have thrown me in the brig or just chatted me up I'll never know. My guide defaulted to the botanical gardens and I was there with a quickness.

That's enough Trek for now, I think. I should get back to the winding, unpredicted mode of adventuring that I've neglected. No more planned schemes for us, Torchy. Unless The Shipyard gets back to me about my application in a couple of years or something. Those lazy nerds.

...

Part XIV: Cash Money Brothers

2008-04-03T08:32:00.000-07:00

Well, here we still are.

Still camping on ChillOut Island and still earning an easy, but taking-forever, buck. My goal is $15 in order to infiltrate a roll-play site and observe fellow nerds in some Trek on Trek action. I'm earning $2 for every 25 minutes I sit on this uncomfortable bench. Our punk rocker friend is long gone so we must endure alone. Know any good tunes, Torchy?

We wait...

And we wait...

And we wait some more....until...finally...

Yea! I made $8! And it only took 100 minutes of patient pot smoking! That wasn't so bad.

Oh wait, I still need $7 more. Crud. It looks like the bench boots you off after every $8. I guess we'd better hop back on and "earn" the rest. Stupid Welfare Island. If they hadn't cheated me, I would only need $3 more. I'll spare you the screen shots for the next $8, or 100 minutes.

But! There's an interesting end to all this sitting around. Unfortunately it all happened very quickly and I did not get any pictures of it.

So, I get done collecting the rest of my cash money brothers and I'm starting to walk out the door when this guy jumps in the room. He was either The Shadow or V from V For Vendetta. I couldn't tell for sure because the guy was hop-skipping around the joint like some tripping jester.

I started to ignore him and carry on but then he stops bouncing around for a second to ask, I presume me and the only other camper in the room, where the "zans scripts" were. Since the other camper seemed too baked to offer a response, I responded for the both of us with, "Huh?"

Then, all of a sudden, the little jester bastard hits me with a harpoon! I rocket across the room only to slam into the wall. I yell (in hindsight it might have not been the smartest thing to yell), "Hey, you bouncing bastard, I'm the one who does the harpooning around here!" I went to my inventory to put on my hand attachment and show this Guy Fucks what for.

Before I could even get to my weapons folder, this masked assailant picks me up and all of a sudden I'm either flying in orbit or wadding at the bottom of the sea. I'm falling/swimming in a blue limbo for what seemed like five minutes before I crashed into the shoreline of some other island. Goddamn, did we piss off The Shadow or what?

Torchy responds with, "We?"

I pulled out my largest assault rifle, donned my harpoon and teleported back to ChillOut Island with a quickness only to find the room empty except for the other lone camper that was there. She was still sitting on the bench and seemed unmolested by the masked douche. I ran up to her and exclaimed, "Which way did he go?! Did you get that bastard's name?! I'll kill him!!"

She said, "Dude, he mumbled something about "another pawn off the board" and flew off." She apologized for not getting his name but said she attempted no interaction after what she saw him doing to me. I told her I understood and thanked her.

If I ever run into you again, you prancing turd, we are going to have us some words. Right after I put a cap in your ass. I'll be keeping my eye out. Torchy says he hopes those "zans scripts" you're after gives you tuberculosis of the crotch.

Well said, my friend.

Anyway, with all anger aside, I can now continue my mission...

I beam over to The Shipyard and fill out my application. I ended up going with "medical officer" for my career of choice. This one seemed to have the most freedom, aside from the engineering sector but they seem to do a lot more work and bidding for the higher-ups. Screw that. I wanted to be as autonomous as possible but still interact with people in a roll-play.

There. I've read all the rules, I've got my money and I've dropped my application in the box. Hopefully, the admins are quick on getting back to you. Hopefully.

Now, the only thing to do is wait. Yet again...

...

Part XIII: The Death of Admiral Earth

2008-03-25T08:11:00.000-07:00

After our big fall from orbit, we picked ourselves up and started flying north. Boredom has befallen our quest seekers yet again. Maybe a pint will help our spirits. We touch down at the nearest Irish-sounding pub, called Molaskey's.

The place was deserted, like most 2nd Life venues. I even had to jump behind the bar and serve myself. Hope the owner doesn't mind. I poured a pint of stout and wandered over to the fireplace to enjoy it.

This was relaxing but we still felt listless. We were out of ideas. A lot of times, interesting things happen if you simply wander around. But, the road does take its toll. I felt like staying place somewhere for a while or something. Torchy suggested we get up and dance. Maybe it would clear our heads.

So we danced the hornpipe for a while. But even after a few minutes, Torchy had to concede that this too was not working. Oh well. Let's be off then.

Maybe a little shopping might pass the time. At this point, you ask how can we shop while being flat broke? Why, you simply head here...

The Gamer's Brand Freebie Store! They have so much free junk here it's not even funny, but is. The first thing I "bought" was a log cabin in a box. Now if I ever get some land, at least I'll have the house. I picked up a few more boxes of weapons(including light sabers), some famous avatar mods, a box of Celtic and planet patterns and some martial arts pose scripts.

I nabbed many a crap and flew off to the nearest body of water to be alone to play with my new toys. Then I came across something I must have grabbed and forgot about. It was a "fast flying cape". When you wear it, you can fly at tremendous velocities according to the tag on the inside of the collar.

"Do you know what this cape means, Torchy!?" He said he was afraid to ask but did, and I said, "We can be superheroes now!" I bet I can throw together an outfit from all those cool patterns I got. It'll be awesome! Torchy did not feel the same passion for this adventure as I but he grudgingly went along, seeing how we had nothing else to do.

There. I used the Earth pattern on a couple of pieces of spandex and behold...

Say hello to Captain Planet!
Na, that's the stupidest name I ever heard.
Say hello to Admiral Earth!
Yeah, that's it.

Now, to don my magic cape and go fight some nonexistent crime!

Now, I should have probably read the screen above when I put the cloak on. I says that the the speed settings are 0-10,000. 0 being the slowest and 10,000 being the fastest. What I failed to notice was that the cape was set to 10,000 to start.

I took off out of the water like a bat out of hell. I attempted to understand what I was seeing at first, otherwise I would have gotten a screen shot of the event. The only way I can describe it is Huygens and Torchy became giant pinballs in the sky. There are may forcefields around, with people's private land and all, and we bounced off all of them at super-sonic speeds.

Before I could even think about killing the fly command, another first happened. A message popped up on my screen simply stating:

You have died. Transporting back to home.

My god, Torchy. We're dead. What does this mean and where is this "home" we're transporting back to?

Wow, I haven't been here since Part II. This is where it all started for us. I guess I've never changed my home(your default starting point) since our whole adventure began. I can't believe we died. We seem to be no worse for it though.

I had fallen from orbit and many great heights before but this never happened. Although when you fall you always fall at the same speed and never speed up enough to kill yourself. A failsafe for people like me who like jumping off of things. But the combination of break-neck speeds, some forcefields and my neck pushed me out of the failsafe zone I wager.

So much for the short-lived career of Admiral Earth. I put on some regular clothes and buried the cape deep into my inventory. OK, Torchy. Forget about that superhero business. I catch the sound of a torch trying to mute its laughter. It's a very odd noise.

Since I'm back here I'll check on another familiar site, the good old ship where that chick turned my pelvis into a bar of soap. Looks like she's gone to freshen other people's mid sections now. It was nice going down memory lane though. I've been all over the board in 2nd Life so it's hard for me to find places I've been before.

This little nostalgia has only amplified our listlessness though. Drinking didn't help. Shopping didn't fix it. Death didn't cure it. Maybe I just need a little familiarity. I like Star Trek. I wonder what neat sites they might have for that here. I could sure use a junket on a starship right about now. I typed "Star Trek" into my guide and a lot popped up. Mostly they were merchandise related shops. No, we did not want to go shopping again.

There were two others that were role-playing sites. Now given the ordeal I went through on my last role-play site visit(crotchety vampires), Torchy expressed caution. These role-geeks don't like being disturbed. I know, I know. But we'll make it a short visit. Only long enough to see if I can snag a free starfleet uniform.

Crap. I'm at the site called "The Shipyard" and the uniforms are not free. All I need is 1 measly stinking dollar too. Out of curiosity, I picked up one of the applications that you need to fill out in order to join the site. I read through a little bit of it. Your adventure can consist of several occupations to choose from, or you could be a civilian and wonder around the future city of San Francisco. It only costs 15 lindens to join.

I'm at a loss of what to do now. I decide to amble on over to Ten Forward(starship lounge) and think things over. Aside from a shuttle bay, Ten Forward is the only other room accessible to non-role-playing people like myself.

This is kind of nice. I could get used to hanging around here for a while. Too bad I'm not a member though. Sad.

Wait a minute! I like to consider myself a chronicler of 2nd Life and all its domains, don't I? Why not do a little undercover reporting and go inside one of these role-play sites to see what they're all about. See what day-to-day activities are like for people in them. My in-your-face style of reporting hasn't gone over well with most people yet so let's try the spy approach. Plus, I know all the Trek lingo pretty well. I should be able to blend in nicely. Little will they know I'm watching and documenting their every move. I'll be a 2nd Life Jane Goodall!

But which one to choose from? There are two places I'm considering, The Shipyard and United Federation Starfleet. I like The Shipyard already, but I should check out the other just in case it's better. I headed over to the Welcome and Recruitment Room at United Federation Starfleet to see what the skinny was.

It had quite a number of applicants hanging around in the lobby. I decided maybe I should put on a disguise, something a little more Sci-Fi, so as not to attract too much attention. I checked in my pocket for any avatar mod that might work. I found only one that was space related...

Hopefully this would work.

This did not work.

I attempted to walk up to the nearest recruiter, a Lt. Commander Data Spectre, and see what they had to offer, but was assaulted with laughs, gawks and jibs from all the other people in the room. Why did they think my light saber was so funny?

With all the fuss that I was causing, I didn't get to learn much. I left the room and took off my disguise. I stuck around in the background to monitor their chatter. I listened to all their superficial and meaningless banter. I think this made the decision for me that I was going to go with The Shipyard.

OK. I've made my decision. The Shipyard it is. The only snag in the scheme is my lack of funds. I require 16 dollars(lindens) to make this happen. Before I do something so heinous as getting a job, I thought I might try getting my needed funds like your average deadbeat...

Yes, Welfare Island. It's sad, I know. But to hell if I'm getting a full time gig anytime soon. They say it's the fastest way to earn lindens. You get paid for just being in the place.

Man, this place is dumpsville. Couldn't they make Welfare Island a little more pretty? I mean, the dead grass pattern on the ground is a touch much if you ask me. Let's just get our cash and get out of here, Torchy.

In order to make more cash, the island wants you to fill out all these surveys on other websites. Screw that. I stuck to the lowest rung of the ladder. $2 for ever 10 minutes I stuck around in this hole. I did find a somewhat palatable view to look at while camping finally.

After 20 minutes, I couldn't take it anymore. I had earned $4 and was ready to cash out and get the hell out. I pushed the cash out button but nothing happen. As far as I know, I did everything correctly. What the crap! Goddamn 2nd Life just cheated me out of my welfare check. I don't know what I did, but I could never find out where my $4 went. Bollix! I would have been a quarter of the way to my goal had that worked.

Then, Torchy's memory started to serve him. He reminded me that there had been other camping-for-dollars spots in a couple of the other places we had been. Why not try one of those? Now I knew why I kept that torch around.

Now let's see. Where's a nice place to earn some moolah....

(puff) "Come here often?" (puff)

...

Part XII: A Fifteen Minute Adventure

2008-03-23T22:22:00.000-07:00

With fifteen minutes left at work before the holiday weekend, I pondered what to do. Oh hell, let's check in with our heroes and see what they're up to. For surely Huygens and Torchy have the power to cram a bunch of fun in fifteen minutes.

We stop off at an Italian market place for maybe some espresso talk. Things turn weird. There's some sort of bald transsexual looking person with a glowing red forcefield and a cross on their shoulder. A woman appears to be bowing to this person and engaging it in some sort of dialog. I don't think the coffee talk is going to pan out. Everyone's speaking Italian. Go figure.

I translated the three lines of chat that they were having from the screen shot above.

Bowing woman: "Where do I find the group?"
Bowing woman: "In order to pass it to others?"
Glowing red, bald, transsexual Jesus: "Search on."

Then all of a sudden the cross-person vanishes in the blink of an eye laughing, "HAHAHAHAHA!" Now we'll really never know what the hell that was all about, Torchy. I thought about sticking around and try and chat with the only guy sitting down, but then I noticed the ninja sword on his back and no coffee in his hand. I only have 10 minutes left. Let's get out of here.

But where to go. The seconds were ticking. Then Torchy says, "Maybe space holds the key." Alright, I'm game. But space is too general of a word for my teleport guide. I decided to type in "the planets".

Now we're talking. Lets go, man. We'll keep our thoughts to a minimal and go with the experience.

"My god, it's full of stars."

We beam up to a ship in orbit.

We light up a J and take the controls.

We decide to eject for no good reason.

We say hello to a vortex halfway through our fall back to Sim Earth.

After a couple of minutes of decent, the ground fast approaches. We wait for the inevitable...

~ SPLAT! ~

...

Part XI: Interview With A Douche Bag

2008-03-12T13:06:00.000-07:00

How do we find ourselves chatting with three lovely Japanese women, sipping champaign and finally about to score my first interview? Not that I tried that hard before though.

I don't know. After flying awhile, and it getting boring, we decided to touch down on the next hunk of simafirma. It ended up being a small but cozy Japanese bar on the docks. The text chat was in Japanese writing when I walked up to them, but when I introduced myself to them the text changed to English. They invited me to sit down and offered me a glass of champaign.

Sure, why not? I've just decided to do a drunk interview adventure and for two reasons. One, I've done a lot of "things" in 2nd Life so far but have yet to be liquored up. And two, my internet connection has been crap the last week for "unknown" reasons. It's been making my sessions here laggy and sluggish. You'll push the arrow key to move and your character moves 10 seconds later. Kind of like being drunk.

After a couple of glasses, I whipped Torchy out. He was feeling neglected. I introduced him to the girls and they were happy to meet him. They didn't seem put off by his inanimateness at all.

They asked me where I was from. I told them here and there. They chuckled. Then I told them the U.S. as my real answer. They asked me what time it was. I think I said 1pmish. They said it was 4 am-tomorrow there. I ask how tomorrow was going. They chuckled

They were eating out of my hand so I thought it was the perfect time to ask for an interview. The bartender accepted my request. I asked my first prepared question.

I wanted to know, from a wide range of people, what they liked best about this simulated universe. What they were getting out of it and how it affected their real lives. I know what I got out of it. Adventure! And sometimes some funny tales.

I waited patiently for her response. I waited. And I waited. Something's wrong here. Then I realized. I was loosing my connection. Damn you, stupid ISP! It's not a sudden lock-up and quit. No, it fools you. Everything still moves around you so you think you're still jacked in but then you realize no one is talking. Then, for no reason, you start floating away. Always in a straight line and you pass through everything. Walls, the ground, everything, until you float outside the zone itself. Kind of spooky. Then it locks-up and quits. And that's what happened.

As soon as my internet was back up I logged back in but to no avail. By then it was already morning. The bar was closed and the girls probably fast asleep. Lost another one to (internet service provider's name here).

What was I going to do now? Who could I pick their brain on the meaning of 2nd Life to them?

I know. Didn't some guy interview a vampire once? Yeah, I think I heard about it somewhere. I think they even made a movie about it so it must have been really good for him. I typed in a search for "Vampires" into my teleport guide and came up with one that said it had vampires in it. Sounds good. Lets go get that interview. This is gonna be great!

Oh, God! This is terrible! As soon as I arrived. This crazy-ass, creature of the night dude starts wailing on me. He starts casting all kinds of spell crap and I think I read something about "life stealing" or something.

Through my pummeling I managed to type a few sentences.

"What the hell are you doing? Are you nuts? I just want an interview." I exclaimed.

He stopped for a second and asked, "What?"

"An interview. You know, I ask questions you give answers. All nice-like with no pummeling." I say.

Upon which he starts to pound on me some more. He knocks me against the wall and I proceed to fly through it and keep going. I knew this was no sinister spell. This was a sinister internet connection. I once again locked up and was forced to quit. Probably better that way. I didn't like all that shit-beating I was receiving.

Were all vampires this testy around here? I had to know, so over the next couple of days I kept trying to log back on, but the connection was bunk and couldn't stay on for more that 2 minutes. Not enough time for an interview.

Then one afternoon the connection was tolerable enough to log on for a few minutes. I reckoned I should keep my liquor buzz going since the lag was still in effect. Being so close to St. Patty's Day, I typed in a search for "Guinness". To my surprise only one place popped up. It was a party supply store. I didn't see anything about Guinness in the description but what the hell. I hit teleport anyway. Maybe well get lucky.

Lucky we got. Through all the glitz and glamor, they had samples of liquor on one shelf. I saw a sight that's tantalizing to me in any life. A 12 pack of Guinness. Too bad it had a price tag on it. But, they did have sample cans! FREE!

If you notice in the lower left corner of the screen, there's a message that pops up when you take a can. The "A cold can of Guinness whispers: A cold can of Guinness just for you!" one. 2nd Life hit the nail on the head there. This happens to me all the time at the grocery store.

I took one immediately and gulped it down. Unlike my eternal smoking joint, these only lasted about a couple of minutes. That sounds about right for Guinness though. But the great thing was, you could take as many cans as you wanted! I wasn't greedy though. I took a cool six-pack for myself and typed in "Brazilian Cafe" in my teleporter and transfered myself to the the first hit I got to enjoy one more before I tracked down Nosferatu and finally nab that interview.

Surprisingly, that first hit I got was a Brazilian cafe....with hookers. Oh well, aside from the constant propositioning by all sorts of genders, the Guinness was going down smooth. This was the first time I thought about it, but the cans of Guinness are actually meant to be poured into a glass. That widget releasing all that CO₂ in my face bothers me not at all though.

Two minutes later, I was ready to be on my way.

OK. I'm back in vampire midst. My connection is jiggy but I deal. I wonder around a little and come across this pumped-up-undead-looking guy. I will try and recollect the "interview" as best as I can.

He said the first words with, "Hello, Huygens. I've seen you here a lot lately." I knew what he was talking about. I probably have shown up on visits a bunch will all my internet connection woes. I said hello and told him of my ISP difficulties and so forth.

He said, "This is a role playing place. You must join or play or you will disturb the other players." I didn't want to disturb anyone, but not many people were around so I asked him if I could get an interview before I go. He acquiesced and said alright.

I asked, "Are you a vampire?" He nodded his head. This was great. I was actually going to do this thing. Then, with the identifying question out of the way, I went in for the deep stuff.

I served him my prepared, "What do you like most about 2nd Life? How has it changed your real life?" To which he responded....(click picture)

Doesn't know about 2nd Life. Where the hell did this puffy-gray blood pumper think he was? Then he followed up with, "That place has no meaning for me!" And I pondered back....

Then he proclaimed straight at me...

Oops. I think I made a social faux pa. This person is really into their character. But still, he's got to have the same window header we all do. Say's 2nd Life right at the top, guy. I know this is their special goth hideaway, but still. They had to join 2nd Life to get here, a mere facet of the 2nd Life universe. He could have least simply said that's why he joined, but no.

So I try and backtrack a little. Try and salvage a declining momentum. I asked, "OK, my mistake. What do you like about role playing?" He sighed and said, "You just don't get it do you?" Then he started up an instant message with me. It's just a way for two people to talk and not be heard by others.

He said, "If you want an interview about 2nd Life, take it elsewhere, fagot."

I didn't know what to say but I think I was proving a theory that all vampires in 2nd Life are testy. I said, "Look, fellow. I'm only trying to get an interview here. A lot of people are going read about this(lie) and you're going to look like a douche bag."

He fired back, "I've given tons of interviews and you ain't doing it right." Doing it right? I had to ask my first thought though, "What interviews?"

He didn't answer with, "You're starting to piss me off." I heard another vamp say, "Shoot him already." This was going downhill fast. I didn't know what to do. That's when Torchy came in and suggested I might offer the mighty phantom and his chums a Guinness. You know, to break the ice.

I don't know, Torchy. I think this is a big mistake. He said I had pretty much nothing to loose at this point. I reminded him of the ass beating we already got here once. He started with the chicken impersonations. Fine, I'll do it.

Then, all of a sudden, this ultra-goth chick appears out of nowhere and her and gray-douche exchange words. Most is instant message between them, but I did hear his first comment to her which was, "This is the suspect."

Torchy, I swear, if we get out of this, I'm going to douse you. Before I knew it, I was hanging from the gallows. These goth-role-play-geeks had passed judgment on my intrusion into their domain. Everybody flung insults in my direction. Apparently the server admin was present at the moment and ushered a swift verdict. I watched my self hang there for a while. I couldn't fly. I couldn't move. Harsh.

I bet that other guy who interviewed a vampire made out a lot better than this. This sucks. Guess I'll just wait for my connection to fail like clockwork.

~ post log ~

The connection did eventually fail. But, a few days later our internet cleared up and it was smooth sailing again. When I logged back on, I crossed my fingers I was not still being punished by the goths. And behold! I was in some South American market place? What the hell? Then all of a sudden I was given a rule book about role playing sites by the 2nd Life overlord server. I read a little bit of it, then deleted it.

Part X: Tales From Non-Topographic Oceans

2008-03-05T07:52:00.000-08:00

"Ooooohhhh. What happened? Where am I?"

Waking in the afternoon sun, Huygens finds solace in the fact no one is around to see the outcome of last night's dope-binge. Where the hell did this stuffed cat come from? I remember playing the congas for awhile then flying away over a few ridges till I found this posh spot overlooking the sea to finally bed down for the night.

Time to put out that joint and clean up a little. Clean clothes always does the body good. Time to throw an outfit together.

I made some comfy suede pants using the "mulch" pattern. I have a generic sunset picture in my inventory and I applied that pattern to a nice breezy cotton shirt. There. I feel less hungover already.

Now where did Torchy go to?

Oh, there you are. He's been hiding in my inventory. It seems he was still ashamed for having me harpoon those poor bystanders last night. I dragged him out of my pocket and forced him to wake up and investigate our new surroundings with me. He mumbled something in guttural Torchese to me, but I ignored it.

My god, Torchy. We passed out naked on the Governor of 2nd Life's lawn! I didn't check my location when I bedded down on that plush love seat last night, but what a humorous surprise.

I knew that the form of currency in 2nd Life was called the "Linden" but I never knew why. Apparently the company that created 2nd Life is called Linden Labs. I probably heard that in a tutorial somewhere so I guess it shouldn't have really been a mystery. Well, it's solved now.

"Governor Linden" is most undoubtedly a fictitious person unless it's the avatar name of the founder of Linden Labs, Philip Rosedale. If so, that's pretty magnanimous of him to proclaim himself Governor. It wouldn't surprise me with all these plaques and monuments to themselves all over the place.

I flew up to get a bird's eye view of the place. Not as big as I expected. Sure, Linden has a pool and a pool table room, but who in 2nd Life (who actually owns some land) doesn't? We should snoop the establishment. See what they made for themselves.

The place was pretty masturbatory, full with a big screen TV, a spacious kitchen and a deceptively huge basement. By huge, I mean bigger than two of the mansions combined and by deceptively, I mean I had to take a short hallway not much wider than me to get down to it. The basement is pretty much a gigantic photo and art gallery. From a distance I confirmed it was all Linden pertaining crap and memorabilia. The only thing interesting enough to document was the time capsule (pictured above) tucked against the wall amongst other garbage.

It had a black stamp warning anyone to not mistakingly open it until 3004. Not that Linden Labs allows it to be open. I tried. All I could do was sit on it and spin my perspective.

But, it did intrigue me though. The concept of "Would the web be around in 1,000 years?" bounced around in my head. If so, how much would it evolve. I think a 2nd life by that time will be a little more something like the holodecks on Star Trek. No one's going to give a fark about this turd if it's even around. Unless they want to mock the dorks that we (are)were.

So many thoughts for this post-baked morning(afternoon) of mine. Torchy suggested that we clear our heads.

"Ooommmmmmmmm."

I found this place called BUDDHA ART in my teleport guide. It sold things of course, but also had nice sitting spots. I picked a nice floral one and proceeded to Zen out.

The brain started to calm and think about what to do next. I had a feeling I needed to be doing something. Sure, this Sim reporter/writer/vagabond was always ready for the next story or experience, but this was something else. Torchy could feel it too. I think we just needed to be in motion for awhile. This Zen center was located on a coast. Maybe we'll just start flying out to sea. Head north, I say. Something will come up.

Every sector of 2nd Life I've been to has been finite. They all end eventually with an invisible barrier stopping your journey. Some zones are larger than others. I was determine to find out how large this one was. As the sun started to fade, I continued over this shapeless sea.

With night almost upon, I stopped my flight to turn south-eastward to catch a glimpse of the moon rise. Another one of our serene 2nd Life moments. Torchy gets teary.

Wow. I finally made it do the boarder. Like I said, it's invisible. It only took about ten minutes our time. 2nd Life time goes by quicker in most sectors.

Something interesting though, It seems like someone beat me here. If you've noticed by now, that box in the upper right part of the screen is my radar. People show up as a small green arrowhead shape. So judging by mine, I'm close to someone. They're nowhere above the surface anywhere I can see. They must be beneath the waves somewhere.

Who could this mysterious loner be? Why are they all the way out here? Is it a super villain? Are they building an underwater lair? Maybe I'll actually get my first interview.

It's a good thing Torchy burns magnesium because it's time to get wet.

Why, it's just the lovable Appo Aichi. I have no idea who this is but he's not what I expected, and I like to think I'm getting the hang of this bizarre simulated universe. Maybe I found out where the Easter Bunny hangs out the rest of the year.

Nevertheless, I attempted to strike up an exchange. I asked him what was up.

I got no response. I've gotten this treatment before. It's usually from people who are away from their computers and leave their avatar hanging like a vacant pillowcase. I usually recognize the dying dynamics of the one-way conversation and leave, but this time was different

As you can tell from the still above, he turned his head and looked at me. When an avatar is disconnected from their owner but not logged off, they just stand there. They do fidget a little and eventually you slump over as if about to pass out. Then 2nd Life logs you out automatically from non-usage after about fifteen minutes. But, they don't turn their heads.

No. Appo was giving me the silent treatment for some reason. Of that I was sure. He wasn't altering his appearance or going through his inventory. Being all the way out here is a good sign he may want to be left alone, but he's just standing there staring. I've stared at way more interesting invisible barriers than this one before. Maybe a little more correspondence is what's needed to open him up a little.

I complimented him on his surroundings and said it was pretty peaceful down here. He continued his silent vigil.

Well if he wasn't going to talk to me, I thought I would at least get a close up of him for my story. I calmly told him what I was doing and why. I couldn't help cracking up at this guy's expression while I tried to converse my harmless intents. Torchy advised caution. He could spring at any moment like a cornered animal, he said.

Nothing has savaged me yet here, so I did not share Torchy's apprehension but I did grow weary of trying to lull Appo out of his induced silence.

Then for no reason at all, I decided to end this lopsided chat with one of my gestures. I remembered I saw a "bow" command in my inventory. I thought Appo's name sounded Asian enough so what the hell. Why not?

Then, all of a sudden, he returned with a half bow of his own and responded. Was it as simple as losing a chat due to cultural differences. In Japan, it is customary to bow when you first meet someone, then you start talking. It is rude to walk up and just start blabbing.

I finally got him talking but it wasn't much. He answered a couple of my questions with that one statement but then lapsed back into his silence.

Whatever Mr. Aichi is up to, I wished him well with it and said my goodbyes. The time felt right for taking off again. I'll leave Appo to his underwater invisible barrier watching.

Since I could only go east or west at this point, I headed west. But, another thing I've learned about these zones is that they're not always a perfect square. They are lumpy and veiny and they spread out like a fungus. Another north passage has opened up!

Fly you fools!

Part IX: Night of the Nature Boy

2008-02-28T11:42:00.000-08:00

As the sun was going down on ChillOut Island and the weed was really starting to kick in, Huygens and Torchy realized they were blitzed and all jazzed up. Was it time for another crazy adventure already?

You bet.

The night is young. One cannot sit long when a whole wide virtual world is calling and THC is running rampant through your body. Let us be off, I say. Let's go look at art while stoned!

We check our guide to 2nd Life and spot "The Transreality Art Gallery". Sounds like the perfect place to view art while geeked. Time to click that teleport button, man.

But these clothes, so oppressive. I'm not sure if it's the pot talking, but something definitely wants me in my birthday suit for this. Unfortunately I have no cash to purchase any genitals, flaccid or erect, at this point so I'm going to have to sport the eunuch look for awhile. At least I have some tight gluteals though. That should make up for something.

Well, here we are, Torchy. Shall we go in and have a gander at the virtual art? I wonder how my emperor's clothes will go over with the other patrons? I'm pretty high, but I seem to remember a friend telling me that there was a police beat here in 2nd Life. It is possible to get into trouble with the law. There are decency codes set up in a lot of the realms here and infringing on those codes could mean trouble and therefore we might end up being posted in said police beat. I only hope 5-O overlooks my lewd adventure.

But I can't let reefer madness get to me. I've got to stop being paranoid and just go with it, man. Let's go in.

Nice place. No one seems to have noticed me yet. Why they are all in the lobby and not the show room confuses me at first. Then I realize. They're camping. They're sitting around earning cash, as explained in our last adventure. Maybe there's some art in there they really need to have or something. Rather than trying to converse with any of these noobs, I thought I would try my luck in the gallery to see if there was anyone who wanted to argue over art with a buck-naked stoner.

Nobody home. Damn. I really wanted to argue with someone about art. What else could I do? The paintings, if you can call them that here, were visually nice on Huygen's red eyes, but it was making us tired. We needed to jazzercise things up a bit to maintain alertness in case the fuzz shows up to issue me a citation. But what to do? I know. We'll go entertain those camping noobs in the lobby!

I tried telling them that joke I know about the kid's dad taking too much Viagra.

No response.

I tried dancing the hula for them. No applause.

I gave them an in-your-face muscle show. Nothing. One guy got up and left. I think I'm losing the crowd. Either I suck at entertaining or these people are more stoned than I am.

I couldn't take it anymore. My only recourse was to sign off on these losers with the KMA (kiss my ass) gesture that I hold in reserve for situations like this. It definitely works better when you're nude.

It reeks of apathy in here. I'm going outside to get some fresh air.

Outside I noticed an interesting sign posted, ironically, on the side of an advertising sign store. I could relate to this cause. I hate all the billboards in my hometown and I hate seeing advertising everywhere. But, so far, ads have not ruined my 2nd Life experience so I shall not take the free pamphlet this sign is offering. When I start seeing too many golden arches around, maybe I'll come back and look into what they're preaching.

But what to do now? I was still in the mood for art but had no ideas. I checked with my trusty, rusty guide and came across a place called "Zoe Garden". The description has it as an earth(?) friendly place with sculptures, music and all around pleasantness. Sounds like a good place to finally come down. Let's go!

This place is pretty serene. It's a hilly, wooded land with log cabins gently nestled here and there. There's lovely sculptures adorning people's lawns. I was inspecting one of these sculptures when I came across these two people chatting besides their fire. From what I could gather, the artist dude was lamenting about having to change his address. Apparently, he's a recent resident of these parts.

They still hadn't noticed me yet, when Torchy gave me an idea. I haven't mentioned it yet, but Torchy is very ornery when he's high. He suggested I should try my harpoon on these poor unsuspecting residents. It's true, I had not tried any of my ordinance in awhile. I wasn't sure if any of it would work in this zone. Let's see if it works.

It worked better than I hoped. When I shot Souza (the female) she got caught up on some rocks and went flailing. I then targeted Cristobal (the dude) and fired away. It was a perfect shot. He came reeling back to me at top speed. I wish I could have gotten screen shots of it, but it happens really fast.

So now I have this huge-biker-looking dude and his Slash's-sister-looking friend giving me the once over after the way I rudely announced my presence.

Our conversation went something like this:

Slash's sister seemed pretty pissed and shouted, "What the hell are you doing?"
I calmly answered, "I don't really have a good answer."
And then I followed up with my own question. "How's things and stuff?"
She ignored this pleasantry and asked "Shouldn't you be putting on some clothes?"
Since manners were out the door now, I fired back, "Aaaah, it's just what god gave me, you puritan pukes" and added "I feel so free, and without the shrinkage!."

I wasn't impressing Slash's sister but then biker dude stated, "Maybe we are a bit overdressed."

At least my philosophy was getting through to Cristobal. There was now a slim chance I could get these guys striped down and start our own little nudist colony.

Souza wasn't buying it without a fight. She inquired, "So where'd your clothes go then, Nature Boy?"
I made the mistake of telling them part of the truth. I evenly stated, "All my clothes were sticky after Free Sex Land. Had to wash them. They're drying now."

That was the last straw.

They catapulted me off their property with extreme prejudice. I went flying through the fir trees, and it's a good I don't have any genitals. Those pine combs could hurt something.

Me and Torchy picked ourselves up, dusted off and shouted an insult in their direction in order to get the last word in.

Plus, there's another way to get the last laugh. On a ridge overlooking Cristobal's home, some conga drums are set up. I flew up there to inspect.

Aaahhhh. Revenge is playing the drums to all hours of the night in the nude while smoking a joint. I hope they have to shout while talking to each other now.

I just hope Slash's sister doesn't call the cops.

Part VIII: A Doober's Dream Come True

2008-02-25T20:14:00.000-08:00

I've had some pretty fun adventures so far in 2nd Life. There seems to be no end of places to explore and people to meet and cheese off.

After the debauchery of our last adventure and our attempt at armed animal liberation, ol' Huygens and Torchy need a rest. It was suggested that Huygens should give his torch a name, so it is hereby dubbed "Torchy". Getting dry humped by Star Trek alien-looking dude, rough German discos, and breaking up a backgammon game with an automatic rifle have taken their toll on our hero and his inanimate sidekick. But where to rejuvenate at? What could take this travel worn edge off?

I know....weed!

I could sure go for a spliff or something. A little endo-stick perhaps? I checked my trusty, rusty teleport map for good locations to get lit.

I typed in "drugs" into the search box and popped up some strange sounding places. Off hand, not many fit the bill of what I was looking for. There was a red light district, but it mainly involved sex and prostitution and not much drugs. Just having my sexcapade and no luck with call-girls to date, I searched on.

Yo! Stop your grinnin' and drop your linen. I found one. "ChillOut Island". It says in the description it's a growery/headshop/resale shop! Beam me there, man.

OK. We're here. First, I think I'll change shirts. The one I picked up at the rave is getting a little pungent and sticky after the orgy. What better shirt do don in this fine locale than my "Live Free Or Die" that I ganked from the Ron Paul headquarters. And even though it might be appropriate here, I ditched the bell-bottoms too.

Torchy seemed to like the place immediately, and I couldn't blame him. Weed plants lined the walls, a hookah was on the floor and a sweet damp smell was in the air.

Time to explore. Hopefully I'll have more luck on this venture than the sexeteria I just came from. Having no cash makes me feel bold and free, but I admit it does limit my experiences here sometimes.

Acid, bongs & pipes and mushrooms. Now we're talking. They had a nice selection. The Acid sign is deceiving. It's a stupid kiosk for some stupid DJ's and his stupid music. The pipes and one-hitters and bongs looked enticing. All pricey of course. There was also a pack of Swisher Sweets on the table. Man, people need blunts everywhere.

Mouth drooling too much, I thought I might check out upstairs to see what else this place has. Unlike the headshop in my hometown, the drugs are downstairs and the resale part is upstairs in this store. I had no interest in sifting through all this garbage for the few free things said to be up here. It's probably some mangy hemp bracelet anyway. Torchy wants to get back down to those plants.

I had to check out the grow room. Looks like they have everything in here ranging from Mexican Schwag to Northern Lights. Can you guess which one is the Northern Lights? Yup. The bright green yummy looking one. Now, all of these plants came with a price tag. Understandably, some are more than others. It got me thinking though. What the hell would I do with a whole plant? Does it come with some papers? Could I extract things from it? Having no home, I would have to keep it in my pocket or carry it around. I have large pockets by the way. Torchy might get jealous if I carry it. He's still trying to get used to the harpoon hand attachment. It was starting to look bleak for our marijuana deprived heroes.

Not knowing what else to do I started to inspect some of the seating in the place.

Most of the chairs were "camping spots". You can actually earn money by sitting in them for a certain duration of time ranging anywhere from a half hour to an hour. It's a shameless tactic a place uses to try and make you stick around. But, if I ever wanted to earn some not-so-fast cash, this would probably be the easiest way to do it. I wager this is a good way for stoners to earn enough dough for their next bong fix, although it's probably torture for them to have to sit while the minutes tick by, all the while having to just stare at their prize. I have not the patience nor the time for that right now.

But wait! What's this? On the table next to the chair, could that be what I think it is?

It is! Free joints!! I hastily lunge for the icon and acquire my sought after prize.

Time to toke'em up, Dube!

(puff puff) "Awwwww yeaaahh."

(puff) That's more like it. (puff) Dude, I'm totally fuxed up. This must be some good shit. (puff)

I can feel the stress and strain from my journeys melting away. (puff) Now, time to find a nice relaxing spot to rest our bones for the night. (puff) Wha? Oh, Torchy says he doesn't have bones. (puff) That's funny. You've never talked to me before, Torchy. (puff puff).

(Puff) 2nd Life doesn't get much better than this. What was I saying? (puff) Dude, oh yeah. (puff) I'm pretty sure we'll be all rested and rearing to go after this. (puff) Right, Torchy?

(puff) Wha you say? Oh....sorry.

Apparently it's the Torchese equivalent of "It's puff-puff-pass, you bogarting tool."

Part VII: Sexlexia

2008-02-06T06:43:00.000-08:00

OK, my sexual exploits in 2nd Life to date consist of one strike-out with a prostitute and not much else. Let's see if we can get poor old Huygens some action. It's finally time to check out that "adult" search parameter in the locations menu. You might not be surprised but there are 100 times more locations for free-range coitus than there are for political discourse or family sites.

With so many misspelled innuendo-sounding sites, it's hard (Heh, I said "it's hard") to choose my poison. What the heck, I think I'll go with the first one on the list and the most trafficked. It was simply titled "FREE SEX LAND!!!". Sounds like a winner to me. Time to teleport there and see what we can do for our hero's struggling libido...

I ditched the spike haircut though. Nobody wants to get it on with a sharp head that cuts. With torch in one hand and harpoon in the other, I gazed around. It's a U shaped area with shops and bizarre establishments lining the edges, all looking out onto an open arena were the majority of the doings takes place. Of course I'm still broke, so other than gazing at giant pictures of dildos and bondage shots, I have little interest in stores. Although, I bet I can buy an erect penis for my avatar here. Maybe I should do a little window shopping.

Na, screw it. I'm headed to the orgy.

I'm down in the action and no sooner do I spy my first naked guy humping the air. Sex Land looks like it's set up a lot like the other venues of 2nd Life. There are stations that have action icons you can access to perform the function that they are called. This particular station had the pleasure of doubling as an oral and fuck station. The three verb icons, called "Oral", "Fuck" and "Get Used" intrigued me. Which would I choose and what would happen? Oh hell, I'll try "Get Used".

Huygens assumes the "Get Used" position.

That was fun! Unfortunately, no one ever came up to use me. I should search around for other stations. This place is a blast!

Wow! I fisting station! Complete with leg stirrups and everything! Time to take this baby out for a spin. Interesting though, this one seems gender specific. I see a "Him" icon but no "Her". Out of the four actions, "Fisting", "Bend Over", "Pump" and "Him", I'm going with "Fisting".

Huygens assumes the fisting position

I'd better put down the torch if anyone comes over and activates the "bend over" icon. Maybe it's because my avatar is right handed, but I'm kind of glad he chose the torch hand and not the harpoon hand to do the fisting. Speaking of my torch. I didn't even realize the metaphorical ramifications of carrying a flaming torch around an orgy. Actually, I didn't care if they thought I was gay or not. I might get more action that way. Whether it's real life or 2nd Life, men are always going to be horn-dogs.

"Pump" is one of my favorite verbs so naturally I had to stick around and try that one out. Besides, what does the "pump" function perform at the fisting bench anyway?

Huygens assumes the "Pump" position.

I still don't know what the pump function performs at the fisting table, even though I'm doing it. Maybe it's like one of those holograms you need to look at just the right angle to figure it out. And again, no one ventured up to get fisted or pumped by me. I grew tired of the solo act so decided to move on again to see if I could find some good old in-and-out action.

Huygens assumes the voyeur position.

And find some I did. I wonder if these people are masturbating while watching their avatars go at it. It's certainly entertaining, but turning me on? I'm not sure. Is that a moth-man and a chick going at it back there?

He's really more of a bird-man than a moth-man when you get up close to him. I noticed a problem if you create or purchase too large of a penis. The graphics are not seamless here, hence you see his throbbing member poking through his mate of the hour. It looks to be a good thing too. She'd definitely be having some organ trauma from that thing. If you had made your prick a little smaller, your sex act might have ended up looking a little more real, bird-dude.

Nobody has had much to do with me yet. Maybe it's the harpoon. All I know is I should really get some kind of action out of this experience before I jet. Where's all that free sex I heard about in this place's title. Maybe another area of the floor will yield more luck.

I found a circle jerk! This fellow, Ajoj, was busy jerking away at nothing when I walked up. I noticed this was another gender specific station. There were five "Feed Her" action icons surrounding a "Get it" icon. I decided to test whether it, in fact, was gender exclusive and walked up and activated the "Get it" icon.

Huygens assumes the money shot position.

Ajoj seemed taken aback. He continued jerking for a second and then disengaged. Apparently, I was not the receptacle he wanted to give "it" to. He stood around for a second, looking dismayed and confused, and then wandered off. Come on, Ajoj! Were you really having that much fun all by yourself that I ruined it for you? Was it the beard that turned you off? The torch maybe? Kiss off then, you jerk.

My time here was growing short and nobody seemed to want to give it to me. I tried coaxing a few people but had no takers. It doesn't look like poor Huygens is getting any today. I left the circle jerk and was going to try one more station before it was time for me to vacate the premises.

I was in luck! I spotted a chain-gang station with a lone, Star Trek-alien-looking guy humping the air. I walked up, and before he could notice me, I activated the "Receive" icon in front of him and pow! I was getting some action!

Huygens assumes the dry hump position.

Mr. Bagon went to town for a minute or two, even switching positions once, before he realized who he was doing. He called me a weirdo or something and staggered away. I did not fail to see the irony of a crazy, alien-looking guy, with a human erect penis, at a virtual orgy and calling me weird. Stupid homophobic alien asshole.

Anyway, the deed was done. I got some action, even if it was only a little dry humping with an alien dude. Next time I visit Sex Land, I might actually get naked and see if I can steal an erect penis for my avatar. A real tiny one.