Part VII: Sexlexia

OK, my sexual exploits in 2nd Life to date consist of one strike-out with a prostitute and not much else. Let's see if we can get poor old Huygens some action. It's finally time to check out that "adult" search parameter in the locations menu. You might not be surprised but there are 100 times more locations for free-range coitus than there are for political discourse or family sites.

With so many misspelled innuendo-sounding sites, it's hard (Heh, I said "it's hard") to choose my poison. What the heck, I think I'll go with the first one on the list and the most trafficked. It was simply titled "FREE SEX LAND!!!". Sounds like a winner to me. Time to teleport there and see what we can do for our hero's struggling libido...

I ditched the spike haircut though. Nobody wants to get it on with a sharp head that cuts. With torch in one hand and harpoon in the other, I gazed around. It's a U shaped area with shops and bizarre establishments lining the edges, all looking out onto an open arena were the majority of the doings takes place. Of course I'm still broke, so other than gazing at giant pictures of dildos and bondage shots, I have little interest in stores. Although, I bet I can buy an erect penis for my avatar here. Maybe I should do a little window shopping.

Na, screw it. I'm headed to the orgy.

I'm down in the action and no sooner do I spy my first naked guy humping the air. Sex Land looks like it's set up a lot like the other venues of 2nd Life. There are stations that have action icons you can access to perform the function that they are called. This particular station had the pleasure of doubling as an oral and fuck station. The three verb icons, called "Oral", "Fuck" and "Get Used" intrigued me. Which would I choose and what would happen? Oh hell, I'll try "Get Used".

Huygens assumes the "Get Used" position.

That was fun! Unfortunately, no one ever came up to use me. I should search around for other stations. This place is a blast!

Wow! I fisting station! Complete with leg stirrups and everything! Time to take this baby out for a spin. Interesting though, this one seems gender specific. I see a "Him" icon but no "Her". Out of the four actions, "Fisting", "Bend Over", "Pump" and "Him", I'm going with "Fisting".

Huygens assumes the fisting position

I'd better put down the torch if anyone comes over and activates the "bend over" icon. Maybe it's because my avatar is right handed, but I'm kind of glad he chose the torch hand and not the harpoon hand to do the fisting. Speaking of my torch. I didn't even realize the metaphorical ramifications of carrying a flaming torch around an orgy. Actually, I didn't care if they thought I was gay or not. I might get more action that way. Whether it's real life or 2nd Life, men are always going to be horn-dogs.

"Pump" is one of my favorite verbs so naturally I had to stick around and try that one out. Besides, what does the "pump" function perform at the fisting bench anyway?

Huygens assumes the "Pump" position.

I still don't know what the pump function performs at the fisting table, even though I'm doing it. Maybe it's like one of those holograms you need to look at just the right angle to figure it out. And again, no one ventured up to get fisted or pumped by me. I grew tired of the solo act so decided to move on again to see if I could find some good old in-and-out action.

Huygens assumes the voyeur position.

And find some I did. I wonder if these people are masturbating while watching their avatars go at it. It's certainly entertaining, but turning me on? I'm not sure. Is that a moth-man and a chick going at it back there?

He's really more of a bird-man than a moth-man when you get up close to him. I noticed a problem if you create or purchase too large of a penis. The graphics are not seamless here, hence you see his throbbing member poking through his mate of the hour. It looks to be a good thing too. She'd definitely be having some organ trauma from that thing. If you had made your prick a little smaller, your sex act might have ended up looking a little more real, bird-dude.

Nobody has had much to do with me yet. Maybe it's the harpoon. All I know is I should really get some kind of action out of this experience before I jet. Where's all that free sex I heard about in this place's title. Maybe another area of the floor will yield more luck.

I found a circle jerk! This fellow, Ajoj, was busy jerking away at nothing when I walked up. I noticed this was another gender specific station. There were five "Feed Her" action icons surrounding a "Get it" icon. I decided to test whether it, in fact, was gender exclusive and walked up and activated the "Get it" icon.

Huygens assumes the money shot position.

Ajoj seemed taken aback. He continued jerking for a second and then disengaged. Apparently, I was not the receptacle he wanted to give "it" to. He stood around for a second, looking dismayed and confused, and then wandered off. Come on, Ajoj! Were you really having that much fun all by yourself that I ruined it for you? Was it the beard that turned you off? The torch maybe? Kiss off then, you jerk.

My time here was growing short and nobody seemed to want to give it to me. I tried coaxing a few people but had no takers. It doesn't look like poor Huygens is getting any today. I left the circle jerk and was going to try one more station before it was time for me to vacate the premises.

I was in luck! I spotted a chain-gang station with a lone, Star Trek-alien-looking guy humping the air. I walked up, and before he could notice me, I activated the "Receive" icon in front of him and pow! I was getting some action!

Huygens assumes the dry hump position.

Mr. Bagon went to town for a minute or two, even switching positions once, before he realized who he was doing. He called me a weirdo or something and staggered away. I did not fail to see the irony of a crazy, alien-looking guy, with a human erect penis, at a virtual orgy and calling me weird. Stupid homophobic alien asshole.

Anyway, the deed was done. I got some action, even if it was only a little dry humping with an alien dude. Next time I visit Sex Land, I might actually get naked and see if I can steal an erect penis for my avatar. A real tiny one.